What Does It Look Like? - Successful Divorce

What Does It Look Like? - Successful Divorce

We can’t fall off the face of the earth or destroy or get away from all we had yesterday. We need to include and integrate the things that belong to yesterday. —Virginia Satir

AS I CLOSE this series on those things I want Ava to see, my heart is full because of the beautiful examples others have lived out for me. The intangibles that contribute to living intentionally are not mystic philosophies; most have been modeled for me with brilliance. I have even seen a “successful” divorce.

Now hear me out: I’m not saying that divorce is a good thing. But I believe that, depending on how two former spouses interact, they can model a “successful” divorce.

My husband, Steve, was raised by two of the most exceptional human beings I have ever met. I am among the most blessed to have in-laws who are not only highly honorable individuals, but who truly consider me their own daughter. You’ll never hear an ugly in-law joke from me; I couldn’t be more loved or accepted.

What’s truly remarkable about them is that Harriett and Al have not lived together for many years. They divorced when Steve was thirteen years old. The separation could have ended the family unit, and for a while, it did. But Harriett and Al realized something few parents get: even though they had separated from each other, they understood that neither should punish Steve by separating from him. For two decades, I have watched Harriett and Al unfailingly treat one another with respect around our dining room table.

At every holiday I set places for Al, Harriett, and Harriett’s husband, Dean. Harriett and Al, always kind, thoughtful, and respectful, converse and “rib” one another like old friends. Steve’s stepfather, Dean, is equally gracious as the three of them stroll down memory lane. No tension. No judgment. No passive-aggressive behavior. Just joy for the here and now and a respectful remembrance of yesterday. Time does heal—if we will just allow it.

Harriett and Al, with remarkable class and style, have taught me that parts of yesterday really do belong to today. And that couples who divorce from everything in the past cheat their child. They’ve shown me that, for the sake of our children and grandchildren, maturity and selflessness must trump past hurts and disappointments.

And Nehemiah continued, “Go and celebrate with a feast of rich foods and sweet drinks, and share gifts of food with people who have nothing prepared. This is a sacred day before our Lord. Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the LORD is your strength!” (Nehemiah 8:10)

And this is what I want Ava to see as her grandparents (all six of us) gather at her dining room table: Maturity. Selflessness. Respect. And joy for the here and now.