Grieve

Grieve

I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss.

“IN THE MIDST OF KATE’S CANCER, she told me stories of visits in which she comforted another’s grief over her cancer, assuring her visitor that it would be okay. It was emotionally exhausting.” Kendra’s voice held a note of wistfulness, missing her older sister as we talked about the strange ways people respond to those grieving.

Grief is a tricky beast, and our clumsy attempts to provide comfort sometimes make things worse, not better. I’ve learned, often the hard way, several helpful ways to support someone’s grief:

• Don’t share your own story of loss in an attempt to provide comfort. While the intent is to express a shared experience, the impact shifts the focus of the conversation, and the grieving person now comforts your grief. Instead, allow the grieving person to control the topic of conversation and follow her lead.
• Understand that there are circles of grief. Seek comfort from those further away from the grief epicenter and provide comfort to those closer to the epicenter. For example, when someone dies, grieving friends comfort the spouse, children, siblings, and parents. Those friends should seek comfort from one another and from their own circles of support, but not from those closer in relationship to the person grieving.
• Avoid offering clichés, which are meant to soothe but often cause a new hurt. Phrases such as “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle,” “God has a plan,” “God must have needed another angel,” “she’s better off now,” and “everything happens for a reason” are meant to comfort but—in the midst of fresh, raw grief—can feel like sandpaper scraping against the wound. Instead, try acknowledging grief without trying to answer why it happened. Saying something like, “I am so sorry this is happening/happened” is a great way to express love and empathy without resorting to clichés.

I’m guilty of comforting with a cliché or sharing my own story of loss, and my past self deserves grace even as I learn to respond to the grieving in better ways.

Lord, may I acknowledge those grieving with gentle, compassionate words and actions that provide comfort rather than unintentional, additional pain.

-Julie

One Good Step: Ask a friend who has walked through grief what she most appreciated hearing when grief was raw. Determine ahead of time a comforting sentence you can say to someone in the midst of fresh grief.