Weariness

Weariness

I’m worn out, God. My spirit is weary. I need your renewing strength.

He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. Isaiah 40:29

God’s call always comes with God’s empowerment, but our human limits are real, and the weariness of leadership must be respected in honest humility.

WHEN I first felt the call of leadership taking hold of my heart, God, I began feeling your special strength coming into me also. The leader’s burden is very strong in me, but so is the corresponding gift of your divine empowerment. That power has always confirmed my call and reinforced my confidence to lead.

I am amazed—and so is everyone else at times—at what I can do and at how light this burden feels. It fits me with perfect comfort, and I love it and thank you for it. Sometimes it feels like nothing is impossible as you strengthen me for this role.

But despite the energizing vision and the power of your Spirit, I am weary. I tried to do more than my body or mind could accomplish. I did not maintain healthy boundaries for myself and said yes to more than I could do excellently. Settling for average drains my strength, God.

I acted as though I could not trust you to bring the success I longed and prayed for. I acted as though I had to do it all myself. I wanted it whether you did or not. In the process I disrespected you, presuming to take your place.

With hubris I worked as though I had no normal human limits. I am sorry for it, Father. I am feeling very human now, and my limits are more clear. I ask your Spirit to guide me back to my proper boundaries, not for my ease or comfort, but so I can lead in humble faith.

You promised me the strength I would need for this leadership, and I did not believe you. I tried to go beyond the strength you gave, and I have exhausted myself. What a faithless fool!

I am weary of the adversity, weary of the relentless expectations, and weary of not having a life of my own outside the organization. I am weary of explaining things over and over and weary of acting cheery and positive when I feel tired and confused.

It was not always this way. Once the effort felt joyous, even exhilarating. I think it can be that way again if I can learn from your Spirit how to walk humbly with you rather than proudly ahead of you.

Please give me all the strength I need to lead well, and I will be content with that. I will not try to force the results I want. I confess . . .

I’m worn out, God. My spirit is weary. I need your renewing strength.

Reflections

My typical weekday pattern is to rise early and do my morning routine: matinal prayers, a shave, a physical workout, and a shower before a breakfast of fruit. Then I put on my CEO or consultant costume—including a tie.

Sometimes toward evening I loosen my tie, but I have learned to pull it up before leaving my office. While some people look casual and confident with a loosened tie, it just makes me look tired and frazzled. Even the appearance of weariness in the leader creates a weary organization.

Real weariness comes not from working long and hard but from attempting something for which I am not well suited or trying more than God made me capable of doing. I may blunder into weariness from my insecurity or work addiction or some other compulsion. Regardless of the cause, every time I force my outcome instead of allowing God to do his will, someone pays the price.

Better that God should allow me to “hit the wall” than to let others suffer for my excesses. When it happens, I must not blame others or give up. I must learn anew to walk by faith within the limits of my true self and God’s true call. I will always be testing those limits, but I must always be ready to humbly admit my weariness and seek God’s renewal or redirection.