Day 5

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-3, ESV)

“The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.” (1 Timothy 1:5, ESV)

“Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.” (1 John 3:18, ESV)

Over and over, God’s commands are distilled to two:

1. Love him above all and in all.
2. Love his image bearers like we love ourselves (*).

If those two commands summarize all of God’s law, the quality of our love rises to top-shelf importance, right?

First Corinthians 13 reminds me that even when I love my kids on paper and check all the Christian parenting boxes—Memorization of Scripture! Respect toward adults! Virgins until marriage! Airtight theology!—I can miss every single thing that really matters. The fruit of the Spirit (joy, peace, gentleness, and self-control, to name a few) either informs my love for my kids . . . or doesn’t. Right alongside where they’re commanded to “bring [kids] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord,” dads are commanded not to “provoke [their] children to anger” (Ephesians 6:4).

God doesn’t just care about the what of our parenting. He cares about the how, too.

I can tell you what interferes with the sincerity and purity of my parenting love (*): my driven agendas and unresolved past. Not to mention my manipulation, fear, ego, impatience, moods, hurt, internal lies. These dark, destructive responses, when ignored, end up parenting my kids.

Scads of factors contribute to how we respond to and love our kids at any given moment, such as aspects of our physical bodies, like hormones, nausea, or the lack of a REM cycle; our fluctuating feelings; and our spiritual state with its questions, dryness, exuberance, or faith crises.

God requests an all-access pass to each of these.

See, we imitate God’s own unity when we love him with every part of us (Deuteronomy 6:4-5). David prays, “Unite my heart to fear your name” (Psalm 86:11). James warns us about double-mindedness, contrasting it with pureheartedness, a oneness of substance (James 4:8). Jesus tells us that rather than those serving two masters (Matthew 6:24), it’s the “pure in heart” who see God (Matthew 5:8). God gathers our hearts and lives into congruence with him, closing the gap between our outer and inner selves and pulling down our masks (Matthew 15:7-9).

So emotionally healthier and stronger parenting unites faith with love, feelings, and the thought life: “The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love” (Galatians 5:6, NIV, emphasis added).

We can choose to help our kids braid faith and emotion together. When I gasp awake at 3:23 a.m. to a small, anguished face seven inches from mine, yes, it’s a chance to remind my child to trust God or to quietly encourage them with Scripture. But I can also hold that trembling little body against the warmth of my own, whisper-praying into their sweaty hair—and let them feel God’s affection and trustworthiness in that moment.

We pursue God within our emotions, not despite them, so that more and more easily we and our kids return to places of shalom and wholeness.

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are from The ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Scripture quotation marked NIV is taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version,® NIV.® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.