Day 4

“But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped…. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” (Psalm 73:2, 24-26, ESV)

Let’s look at emotional intelligence in your own kitchen, with your own squirrelly kids. Think about your own preteen, perched on a kitchen barstool after school, munching jalapeño kettle chips Cookie Monster–style, crumbs flying. Maybe you mention a verse you’ve been thinking about, and the obnoxious potato chip eating falls silent.

Preteen: “Yeah, I’m not sure if the Bible is true.” Their pupils slide to you, eyeing your reaction.

If you’re like a lot of Christian parents, inner sirens may nearly drown out the sounds of your child’s resumed munching. Stress sweat pricks your armpits.

Is this kid deconstructing? Deconverting? I gotta fix this. STAT.

Consider a few of your knee-jerk response options:

1. a. Dust off those apologetics answers from college. Get ready to defend the faith and train your child in the evidence for Christianity. Order all available Lee Strobel books, requesting that your child give a book report on each. Raise the issue frequently until your child’s heart softens.
2. b. Correct your child immediately: “Sweetie, God’s Word is a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. What you’re thinking is simply a lie. Do you have sin in your life? Let’s pray.”
3. c. Commence guilt-tripping: “I can’t believe you’d turn your back on our faith.” (Pro tip: Watch out for emotional manipulation, demanding sympathy for yourself—Focus on my world!—rather than engaging with your child’s emotions, concerns, and experience.)

Or consider that you can pause for a beat and respond more like this:

1. d. Put on your unshocked, curious, come-as-you-are face. Within yourself and to God, acknowledge your fear. Ask for God’s help, trusting him with your child’s faith journey. Sit down to listen, refraining from interrupting or offering easy answers. Gently ask questions to understand the issue beneath your child’s presenting concern: “Exploring doubts and questioning what you believe takes courage. Thanks for trusting me. Can I hear more?”

When curiosity rather than quick correction leads these conversations, it creates doorways to, rather than exits from, deeper faith. One analysis of Barna data suggests that kids who feel safe bringing questions and doubts to their parents may be up to four times as likely to remain engaged in church as young adults than those raised in environments where doubt is discouraged (*).

Four times as likely.

Your emotional strength isn’t a nice add-on. It’s key to raising lifelong disciples.

How you handle this moment can set the table for you and your child to dialogue about faith questions and doubts for decades. Or it can successfully shut your child down, thanks to responding with the “right” answers, like those pseudo solutions above in options a, b, and c. Those emotionally impulsive (not resilient) responses can sever communication and effectively send your child who-knows-where for more satisfactory answers. You might unintentionally communicate that real Christians don’t give doubts any legitimate attention (in contrast, check out Psalm 73).

There are, of course, plenty of additional emotionally healthy responses beyond option d.

Will you be a conversation starter or stopper (*)?

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are from The ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.