Shaken Faith

“At that moment the curtain in the sanctuary of the Temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. The earth shook, rocks split apart, and tombs opened. The bodies of many godly men and women who had died were raised from the dead. They left the cemetery after Jesus’ resurrection, went into the holy city of Jerusalem, and appeared to many people. The Roman officer and the other soldiers at the crucifixion were terrified by the earthquake and all that had happened. They said, ‘This man truly was the Son of God!’” (Matthew 27:51-54, NLT)

It was the summer of 2017, and my swollen belly and I were hiding inside the cool of my apartment as I waited to miscarry our twin babies. This was mine and my husband’s fourth miscarriage and the longest we had to wait to miscarry naturally. After weeks of begging God for a miracle, my belly became a tomb for my children.

Most people see a pregnant woman and assume she is carrying life. I hid in our apartment that summer because I was swollen with death and didn’t have any explanation for my suffering. I had begged God for life and He had allowed death. On a good day I could venture out and hold onto a man-made silver lining to appease me. On my bad days I languished in my pain and couldn’t bring my eyes to meet the One who sanctioned my suffering. I had begged God for a quick and uncomplicated miscarriage, and He allowed a long and physically traumatic end to my pregnancy.

Waiting on God when we are bearing our worst-case scenario is an excruciating opportunity to turn our eyes upon Jesus. It’s easier to lift our eyes to the King of Kings when we can make sense of things. But in the unexplainable, this act takes every ounce of faith we have.

Waiting on God in moments like these requires faith to trust that He is working in our hearts even if we don’t understand it – even if it doesn’t feel like He is present at all.

God does some of his best work in us when we have to wait on Him. When we finally die to plans that make sense to us and desires that seem good to us, this is when the Father can breathe His life into them. We often don’t realize the death of what we hope for will make room in our hearts for a Living Hope that will never fade. The surrender does not feel good, often met with our own earthquakes of grief and confusion like darkness in the middle of the day.

If we only trust God to the degree that we understand Him, we will always hold back. Looking back at His ministry before the Cross, we see dozens of references to the suffering that He would endure. He was telling His disciples His plan and they still couldn’t grasp it. What makes us think that if God explained every twist and turn in the journey ahead, we would follow Him better? Faith is believing in the darkness what we have learned in the light.

In the hours following his death, Jesus’ followers had a chance to walk by faith and not by sight. Their eyes beheld their worst fears. The one who had raised countless others from the dead now lay lifeless in a sealed tomb. In those dark hours what was always true of Jesus was still true whether it felt that way or not.

He was still the man that healed the sick.

He was still the teacher that saw and served the least.

He was still the Rabbi that forgave sins.

He was still the Messiah that promised He would return for His people.

He was still the Son of God, the promised King.

In the summer of 2017 I was challenged to remember in my darkest night what I knew was true of Jesus, even if it didn’t feel true at the time.

He was still Emmanuel, God with me.

He was still El Roi, the God who sees me.

He was still Jehovah Jireh, providing strength for each day.

He was still my Father God, faithful to meet me right where I was.

He was still my suffering Savior, grieving right along with me.

We don’t need more experiences with God in order to trust Him more. He is gracious to continue to meet us where we are, but the evidence we need is already there. He has given the greatest proof of His love that we could ever have at the Cross.

When the storms of life crack our foundation in two and the darkness swallows up our certainty, we can still hold onto Truth. Preaching Truth to our hearts is not glamorous work. We would much rather God raise our dead things to life than have to sit with our grief and wait on Him. But it is in these seasons of darkness that our faith becomes sight. A seeing faith makes out the shadow of the Father no matter how dark the day.

Prayer: Oh Jesus, forgive my doubting. Forgive my desire to instantly solve over painfully surrendering. Strengthen my faith as I wait on You; help me call to mind who You are and what You have done for me. Let those things overshadow my fears and bolster my patient enduring. Help me to worship you while I wait. You are good, even when life doesn’t feel good. You are always in control, even when life feels out of control. You are always faithful, even when I am not. You are always with me, even when I feel alone. I rest in your grace and your mercy. I praise you for your steadfast love!