Shameful Happiness

Their glory is in their shame.

PHILIPPIANS 3:19

WHEN MY BOOK SACRED MARRIAGE RECEIVED THE SUBTITLE “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” I never intended to become known as advocating “antihappiness.” Nor did I want anyone to believe I see happiness and holiness as mutually exclusive. I don’t—and I certainly wish happiness for my children in their own marriages. But our culture has divorced happiness from its original meaning and stripped it of its original nobility until it has been perverted to mean something entirely new and alien.

You can tell a great deal about a person’s spiritual health by what makes him or her, as we now define it, happy. In fact, I recently read a very sad quote about happiness. An accomplished athlete coupled up with another celebrity following his divorce. While admitting he misses his children, he told a reporter, “I’m in a good, happy place. I’ve never been happier.”

I wonder how this athlete’s kids felt knowing their dad is now “happier than he’s ever been” since he no longer lives with them, and their mother (whose quotes in the media make clear her sadness) must learn to live without him. How do you think that makes them view “happiness”?

If we can be happy while deliberately leaving our children; if we can be happy while deserting a woman who has come to depend on us emotionally and financially and spiritually—then shame on us! I mean it: shame on us! If our best feelings come on the backs of our spouse’s and children’s worst feelings, who wants them?

Let’s say my marriage did break up—God forbid, but for the sake of argument, let’s just say it did. If so, I hope I’d feel miserable. I hope the pain of the separation from my kids would grow so great that I’d move heaven and hell to get my family back together again.

I’d be ashamed of myself if I were happy. I can’t even imagine metaphorically slapping my children in the face by saying, “I’m happier now with this new woman than I ever was living with you and your mother.” If I could be happy knowing I had participated in the destruction of my children’s family, that alone would be evidence enough that I had lost my spiritual core.

Happiness isn’t a bad thing; it’s a blessed thing. It’s not something we should run from or feel ashamed about. But when a man or woman can feel happier destroying their family than living with them, I don’t think it’s really “happiness” they’re experiencing. Certainly, their actions indicate that they value short-term emotional highs over long-term joy and meaning. They place momentary pleasantness over the inner satisfaction that comes from being responsible, loyal, and faithful.

But if happiness really does come from leaving a woman you’ve built a history with and raised several children with, and then taking up with some new woman you’ve known for less than a year, then I don’t want it. If that’s what I have to do to get “happy,” God forbid I should ever be happy.

What does give me happiness?

Knowing that though the kids may often argue and even complain about each other, when a real challenge arises, they’ll remain each other’s biggest supporters.

Knowing that though I have disappointed my wife and sinned against her repeatedly, and though I sometimes take her for granted and don’t give her the full attention she deserves, she still looks forward to me coming home.

Knowing that our children are growing in the Lord, exploring God’s place and call in their lives, and seeking to reach out to others.

Knowing that though our story hasn’t been a continuously easy or pleasant one, it is still an unbroken story—five people (and one golden retriever) who have stayed together through it all, committed to each other, occasionally sinning against each other and asking forgiveness, waking up in the same house, praying for each other, seeking God together, and building a history I hope will bring glory to God while also bringing security, peace, comfort, and joy to us.

That’s what I call happiness.

Heavenly Father, shape our hearts so that we become happiest with the things that make you happy. In Jesus’ name, amen.