Cursed Silence

And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable people who will also be qualified to teach others.

2 TIMOTHY 2:2

IN HIS POIGNANT MEMOIRMY LOSING SEASON, PAT CONROY recalls how important basketball was to him as a boy. Since Pat’s father served in the military, Pat moved from town to town. The one constant in his life, the one place he felt at home, was on the basketball court. It didn’t matter what state he lived in—the basket always remained ten feet off the ground. The free throw line was always fifteen feet away. And four teammates always surrounded him.

Conroy’s father was a star player in his own right. Indeed, in Pat’s words, “He is still considered, by some, to be the best basketball player to attend St. Ambrose College . . . and his name hangs in its Athletic Hall of Fame.”^a

Then, in one of the saddest paragraphs of literature I’ve read in some time, Conroy describes how little his father did with this skill:

With my father’s great gifts, he could’ve taught me everything about basketball I’d need to know. . . . Instead, he taught me nothing, and I went to the Citadel not knowing what a pivot was or how to block out on a rebound or how to set a pick to free a teammate for a shot or how to play defense. A beautiful shooter, a fierce rebounder, and a legendary defender, my father chose not to pass these ineffable skills on to any of his five sons. We grew up overshadowed by his legend, and that legend did not lift a finger to help us toward any patch of light our own small achievements might have granted us.^b

What inheritance has God given to us that we are hoarding and not passing on to our children? God told Abraham he had been blessed to be a blessing (Genesis 12:2); Paul told Timothy he was to “entrust” others with the teaching he had received (2 Timothy 2:2). Both Old and New Testaments urge us to serve as faithful conduits and messengers, passing on whatever favor God has shown to us.

Maybe, like me, you have little basketball knowledge to pass on to your kids. But what have you learned about prayer? About relationships? About marriage? About handling finances? About friendships?

God has patiently tutored us in all these areas. Sometimes, we’ve learned the hard way, through broken relationships or mountains of debt. But whatever we’ve learned, we have a spiritual obligation to pass on to our children. I don’t always feel like I have all that much to give—but it’s my responsibility to give them everything I do have.

I remember the time Graham came home after being asked to give a short talk to his youth group. “Can you help me, Dad?” he asked.

I’ll never be able to help Graham fix a car, do any serious plumbing, or build a house, but I could help him give a talk. We discussed the importance of the opening, why he needed to make just a few clear points, and, most important, how he needed to ask in any talk, “Where is the point where God is glorified?”

Sadly, we’ve passed through a largely silent generation of parents. Many kids have been allowed to go their own way. They haven’t been challenged, and they haven’t been taught. In my “Sacred Marriage” seminars, I ask the wives to raise their hands if they were trained by older women to love their husbands and children, as Paul prescribes in Titus 2:4; in a group of several hundred women, maybe two or three will raise their hand.

I’m just as guilty. I’ve talked to thousands about how God has challenged me with regard to cultivating a gentle spirit. I’ve written a chapter on that very topic in one of my books. And yet I watched as one of my children was growing up with the tendency to take offense very easily, and I realized I was neglecting to pass on to this child what I had entrusted to others. I was hoarding a skill that can produce rich benefits for every marriage or parenting relationship. Thankfully, this child was young enough for me to get a second chance.

May this cursed silence stop! Sacred parenting teaches us to be active, to initiate, to leave behind a rich spiritual inheritance. No more hoarding! Freely we have received; freely let us give.

It will take years to pass on all we’ve been given, but certainly this idea of an intentional transfer should remain a persistent purpose of parenting. We should look for opportunities to give our kids whatever we have. Don’t fret over what you can’t give them; if you’re truly faithful to pass on what you do have, you’ll run out of time before you run out of wisdom.

Heavenly Father, help us to be more intentional about purposefully transferring all that you’ve given us to the next generation. Help us to see the unique understanding and skills you’ve entrusted to us, and make us faithful to share them with our children. In Jesus’ name, amen.