Life Without You

The king was shaken. He went up to the room over the gateway and wept. As he went, he said: “O my son Absalom! My son, my son Absalom! If only I had died instead of you.”

It’s the late 1990s, and I’m driving along an Ohio back road flanked by cornfields. Country music star Trisha Yearwood blasts out of the speakers. How do I live without you? I want to know. How do I breathe without you, if you ever go? I’m only nineteen years old, and I’ve never really been in love, but somehow, even in that naivete, Trisha’s words ring true. Someday, I’m pretty sure I’ll lose someone I love, and I’ll know the pain of heartbreak.

Years later, I—and you—know the seriousness that comes along with the lament “How do I live without you?” When a person has become such a part of your orbit that their presence helps you discern other bodies in motion, their departure—whether anticipated or sudden—shakes your entire universe. You’re left floating without gravity, without a North Star. Everything, even the air, changes. You’re not sure you can keep breathing.

Lest you think this description overly dramatic, King David expressed just the same when he learned of his son Absalom’s death. David’s third-born son had grown into a handsome, charismatic man, but he was troubled too. Absalom loved power, and he stole the throne from his father, causing David to flee for safety. Theirs was a troubled relationship.

Yet upon hearing of Absalom’s violent death, David mourned with agonizing passion. This son who had caused his father grief in life now did the same in death. The missed opportunities, the conflicts that could never be resolved, the hurt that would now walk with David to his own grave—all of these compounded David’s sadness, leaving him despairing of life itself.

If you’ve stood at the graveside and wondered, How can I live? you are not alone. You are not alone in wishing that the clock’s hands could be rewound, that this bad dream was one from which you could awaken. These are very human responses, the natural emotional markers of tragedy. The question for you today is, What will you do with these feelings? Will you ignore them and fill your life with busyness to anesthetize you from the pain? Will you wander deeper into grief’s pain and despair of life itself? Or, with God’s strong hand guiding you, will you face these hard feelings, sit with them in self-compassion, and cling to God for comfort and hope? God stands ready to support you as you grieve. How will you choose to live without your person?

My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

I cried out, “I am slipping!” but your unfailing love, O LORD, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.

A Prayer: God, I don’t know how to live without my person. We can’t talk or text or call anymore. I can’t see or touch my person’s face. I’ve loved them so long, I don’t know how to move about my day without their physical or emotional presence. Sometimes, like King David, I even wish that I had died instead of them. But I trust that you still have lots of life for me to live. Even though I don’t see how I can survive, you will show me how. As I face this day, give me the strength and courage and hope to live. Remind me that even when my feelings are very big, you are bigger. You will bring me from surviving to thriving again. Amen.

An Activity for Today: The theory of continuing bonds tells us that bereaved people thrive when they are able to bring their person into the lives they live without them. For many people, this means engaging with a cause that was important to their loved one. Today, consider making a donation to an organization that mattered to your person. Donate cat food to your local animal shelter. Sign up to run a 5K with one of her favorite nonprofits. Give a gift in your person’s name to honor his or her legacy. While no act of charity can bring our person back to us, we can celebrate our loved one’s life as we invest in things that matter. In doing so, we honor his or her life and can bring new purpose to our own in the process.

A Song to Encourage Your Heart: “Awake My Soul” by Chris Tomlin (featuring Lecrae)