Our 1st Priority–support Our Grandchildren’s Parents

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24, NIV)

When our child marries, our priorities must change. Now our priority is not primarily our relationship with them but their relationship with each other–their marriage. We must enable them to leave well. (We must cut the apron strings.)

Allison, our first child, got married and was planning a long drive through the night alone. John and I called to tell her we didn’t think she should do this. Politely but firmly, she responded, “I understand your concern, but this decision is between me and my husband.”

We were wrong and she was right. Their relationship was now the priority and they had to make their own decisions. We needed to back off and support them.

A child calls to ask, “Do you think I should get a blue couch or a beige one? Our first response should be, “What does your husband (or wife) say?”

Our ultimate priority is to push them toward each other and not get caught in the middle. We will not agree with all their decisions, but they are theirs to make, not ours. (If it is a crisis, offer to pay for Christian counseling for them, but resist becoming their counselor.) If your child is a single parent your role may be a bit different. Most helpful for this adult child will be a strong church with a supporting parent’s ministry.

Three hot tips to support their marriage:

1. 1. Guard against false assumptions.

Just because your daughter or daughter-in-law doesn’t communicate very often does not mean she doesn’t like you. Her life is probably overwhelming, particularly if she has little ones. Choose to believe the best, rather than jumping to negative conclusions.

1. 2. Ask your child how you can best love their mate.

“Son, what are some specific things I can do to love your wife in the way she receives love?” Does she like texts, calls, gifts, an offer to clean or cook (if local)? Do what is meaningful for her, not what you’d like. How we love our adult kids will impact our relationship with our grandchildren.

1. 3. Listen more than advise.

This is one of the hardest things especially when we notice things we think they should do differently in parenting. After all, we’ve been parents for a very long time and have lots of experience. But we can still give wrong advice. Think carefully before you advise and plan how you will say things. “Honey, I have several ideas, but you can take them or leave them….” comes across much better than, “You should or shouldn’t.”

When in doubt it’s best to keep our mouths shut and simply pray. God is the only one who sees all, and He is at work even if we can’t see it in this moment.

A Promise and a Prayer

“For it is God who is at work in you, both to desire and to work for His good pleasure.” (Philippians 2:13, NASB)

Father, I want to have good relationships with my adult kids. I want to support their marriages. I often mess up. Please show me how to do this. Today, help me to focus on the fact that you are at work, even when I can’t see it. You are working while we are waiting.