When My Heart Feels Desperate

When I said, “My foot is slipping,”

your love, O LORD, supported me.

When anxiety was great within me,

your consolation brought joy to my soul.

(Psalm 94:18 – 19)

If you’ve ever heard me give my testimony, you know part of what I talk about is being a little girl twirling around next to my daddy wishing I could know for sure that he loved me. In his own way, I think he did love me. But something was broken in our relationship that left me feeling desperate for reassurance.

Over the years, God has healed my heart in miraculous ways. He has whispered to me all those things I wished my earthly father would have said. I know for sure God’s love for me is deep, unwavering, and certain. But there are times I still catch myself twirling. Crying out. Wishing I could feel totally secure. Hating my insecurities. And mad that this struggle I thought was over has surfaced again.

Maybe it always will. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing. For it keeps me desperate for a reassurance I can’t get any other way.

I can stand in an arena with thousands of people clapping for the message I just gave … and still feel my heart desperately twirling.

I can hear my husband tell me a hundred times that he loves me and no, my butt isn’t big … and still feel my heart desperately twirling.

I can conquer my food demons and finally fit back into my skinny jeans … and still feel my heart desperately twirling.

The only thing that stops the desperation, the uncertainties, the insecurities, the twirling, is for the Spirit of God to cover my heart and make it still. As Psalm 94 says, “When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” The blanket of His presence is my consolation and His protection is the only perfect fit for the deep creases and crevices carved inside me.

I don’t know what tough things you’ve been through in your life, sweet sister, but I do know brokenness is universal. We all have life issues that can trigger unglued reactions, deep insecurities, and our own personal twirling about looking for reassurance.

But here’s the amazing thing.

While brokenness is universal, with God redemption is also universal. No matter what cracks and crevices cover our hearts, if we seek the truth of God above all else, He will work all things for good.