The Stuffer Who Builds Barriers

And God is able to make all grace abound to you,

so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times,

you may abound in every good work.

(2 Corinthians 9:8 ESV)

What often opens the door of conflict in my relationships is expectations. There are two kinds of expectations: realistic and unrealistic. Unrealistic expectations are things another person isn’t able or willing to do for me. I have to let go of these. Certainly God can either change that person or change me by rearranging my desires. In the meantime, it’s unfair of me to use my expectations as the standard for other people’s behavior or hold it against them when they don’t live up to my hopes.

Realistic expectations, on the other hand, are things I can reasonably expect another person to do for me. Of course, it’s important to discern how to communicate these expectations with gentleness and at the right time. Timing is key.

My pastor’s wife, Holly Furtick, recently told me how she discerns the timing of such conversations with her husband, Steven. She prays specifically that God will make it clear to her when the time is right to have non-emotionally charged conversations of gentle confrontation or clarification. As she’s running errands, fixing dinner, or flipping through her fashion magazines (the girl loves fashion!), she prays for God to make the timing clear. And He does!

She’d been wanting to talk to Steven about something that had been bothering her, but she didn’t want it to become a big deal. She determined it was a realistic expectation on her part, so she committed to pray for the right timing. A few weeks later, she and Steven were coming home from a trip. They’d had a great time. Suddenly, he slid a piece of paper her way and said, “Write down three things I could do better as your husband.”

Holly smiled. This was exactly what she’d been praying for — but even better! Her husband was the one who paved the way for a healthy conversation. God doesn’t always work so quickly in answering our timing prayers, but what a comfort and encouragement to see how God paved the way for a “clarifying expectations” conversation.

Why not take your expectations and your need for discernment about them to God in prayer? Why not ask Him to get involved? Holly’s example inspired me and has given me yet another tool to keep me from stuffing and building barriers. Again, I won’t minimize how hard these things can be. But imperfect progress is possible and gets us unstuck from unrealistic expectations that can so easily lead to barrier building in our relationships.