The Enemies Within

CORE PRACTICE #76: Don’t assume your spouse understands how you feel—particularly when life gets busy.

Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love makes up for all offenses.

—Proverbs 10:12

TONY

Because people in our culture usually marry for love, it’s a bit jarring to consider how infrequently we read of a person in the Bible expressing romantic feelings for someone else.

Of course we know that Jacob ended up working fourteen years so he could marry the love of his life, Rachel. And Song of Songs celebrates romance between a man and woman. Yet only once does a writer directly mention a woman’s growing infatuation toward a man: “Saul’s daughter Michal had fallen in love with David” (1 Samuel 18:20). To us, that declaration may not be surprising, but in her day, princesses like Michal were married off by their fathers—and we can be sure that both Saul and any potential suitors would be looking to make a match that would benefit them personally.

In this case, King Saul offered Michal to David only because it gave him an opportunity to bait the younger man into battle against the Philistines—who Saul hoped would kill David. David’s motives weren’t pure either. There’s no hint he loved Michal; however, marrying the king’s daughter would raise his status considerably.

Yet it appears Michal was deeply committed to her new husband. No modern-day romance novel or movie better portrays the lengths a woman will go to protect the man she loves than the story we read in 1 Samuel 19. When Saul was determined to assassinate David, Michal helped him escape. Only because she convinced her father that David would have killed her if she hadn’t helped him get away did Saul spare his daughter’s life.

Unfortunately, that is the final loving interaction we see between David and Michal. The young warrior took refuge in the wilderness, and it would be years before he saw his bride again. In the meantime, he took two additional wives, and Saul eventually married Michal off again, this time to a man named Palti, son of Laish, who clearly adored her.^a

After Saul was killed in battle, David finally sent for Michal, even though that meant tearing her away from her new husband. It’s unlikely David was motivated by love, but getting her back would strengthen his claim to her father’s throne. Any affection between the couple had evaporated by the time David returned to Jerusalem with the Ark of the Covenant, celebrating with exuberance as he went. Michal, a proper princess, berated him for dancing with such abandon before the Lord; in response, David dismissed her remarks. He even seemed to take a jab at her family, noting that God “chose me above your father and all his family!” (2 Samuel 6:21).

This strange love story obviously had taken a very dark turn. Without knowing more details, it’s hard to know where to assign blame. Multiple outside forces had certainly conspired against their marriage too. However, both David and Michal both carry some responsibility for the implosion of their marriage since one or both were guilty at times of neglect, disdain, jealousy, and disrespect.

Fortunately, in our day, we aren’t threatened by political feuds or the threat of banishment; however, we must guard against an enemy unique to our time and culture: busyness. When we’re so consumed with other priorities, we may ignore our spouse just as certainly as David seems to have overlooked Michal.

So today, commit to making each other a high priority, recognizing that while your feelings and circumstances may change, your commitment should not.

Adventure Application: Whether you’d rate your marriage as strong or struggling, you and your spouse need to be on guard against anything that might get between you. Take a few minutes to discuss whether factors like busyness, hurt feelings, or misunderstandings are creating barriers between you. If so, begin talking through them. And don’t be afraid to ask a wise Christian couple or counselor for help.