Learning To Read (each Other)

CORE PRACTICE #61: Learn as much as you can about each other and how you each communicate before you get married.

My dove is hiding behind the rocks, behind an outcrop on the cliff. Let me see your face; let me hear your voice. For your voice is pleasant, and your face is lovely.

—Song Of Songs 2:14

Lauren

“Where should we go eat?”

“Doesn’t matter to me, as long as it’s fairly quick.”

“Well . . . how about McDonald’s?”

“No, no fast food.”

“Well . . . how about Carrabba’s?”

“I don’t feel like Italian tonight.”

We’ve all been there, right? Tony tries to figure out what I’m saying—or not saying—and I’m doing the same, even after thirty-plus years! And it’s not like either one of us is holding back intentionally; sometimes each of us gets stuck trying to figure out what we are trying to say.

Over the years, I’ve learned to be patient when Tony communicates. Or in his case, doesn’t communicate. He’s so much quieter than I am and is slower to express himself. As a result, I’ve learned to listen more and not react as emotionally.

That understanding didn’t come overnight, though. When I’m slow to respond to Tony, it’s likely because I disagree about something but want to communicate it to him nicely. So early in our marriage, when Tony hesitated before saying anything, I’d project my way of thinking on him and immediately conclude that he disagreed with me. Sometimes, that was the case. But more often, he was either searching for the right words or wanted to give something more thought before speaking.

I’ve also had to learn that even if Tony loves an idea, he may show that with only a small smile. I used to think, Why isn’t he more excited? because he wasn’t reacting with as much animation as I would. I’ve learned over time that’s not a fair conclusion to reach—he just expresses his enthusiasm differently.

Don Meredith, a good friend of former Washington Redskins’ head coach Joe Gibbs, talks about how such differences played out in his own marriage. In a chapter in Joe’s book Game Plan for Life, Don describes the frustrations he and his wife, Sally, had early on. He was a hard-charging, goal-setting man. In contrast, Sally rolled with the situations God put before her.

Still, Don tried to explain to her the importance of goals and had her set daily and long-term goals. She felt uncomfortable trying to meet his expectations, and he was irritated by her response. How could she not see how helpful this practice was?

Then one day, the Lord showed Don that Sally’s “weaknesses” weren’t weaknesses. He finally understood that they were merely differences in the way his wife had been created. Her flexibility, Don realized, was a strength, especially when paired with his more rigid, linear personality. Together they were the perfect complement for each other, but it wasn’t until he stopped judging her and tried to understand her that he could accept her as she was.^a

This may be true for you and your spouse as well. The differences that may have seemed so intriguing while you were dating are likely to become irritations until you learn to understand and appreciate them.

Adventure Application: This week, if your spouse communicates in a way that perplexes or irritates you (or doesn’t communicate at all), remind yourself that it’s unlikely he or she is trying to bother you. Then consider the possibility that he or she is simply wired to respond that way.