In The Spotlight

CORE PRACTICE #42: Be intentional about noticing and addressing the needs of your spouse and children.

Children, always obey your parents, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged. —Colossians 3:20-21

TONY

Years ago a friend told me about a pivotal moment in his life. He was eating dinner with his wife and teenage son when he got up from the table to head to the kitchen stove to refill a bowl of broccoli. When he walked back into the dining room, he stopped.

There was a glow. Over his son’s head.

He’s now sure it wasn’t really there. But at that moment, God seemed to put a spotlight on his son. In the midst of the trials with his teenager and daily life, it was as if the Lord was telling this father, “I’ve given you this family as a sacred trust. Raise your children, nurture them, build them up . . . but don’t aggravate them. And for certain, don’t take them for granted.”

What a great point. We should recognize that our families are to be nurtured, built up, and helped to become all that God created them to be.

Our son Jordan was born with congenital insensitivity to pain, a rare and challenging condition. His nerve endings function and he can feel external stimuli, but any message involving pain or discomfort somehow doesn’t make it to his brain. Therefore, we have to help keep him from danger and examine him regularly for cuts, abrasions, or other injuries because he won’t tell us about them—usually because he hasn’t noticed them! Without proper attention, small wounds can develop into serious infections with complicated solutions.

Just as important as attending to Jordan’s physical needs, however, has been dealing with his emotional and developmental ones. And those of our other children. Being present and perceptive is one of the best ways to avoid aggravating them.

With nine children, Lauren and I have to be especially careful not to overlook each other. I know it’s possible to put off meeting our spouse’s needs even when we’re physically present. Instead of seeing our children with that angelic spotlight from the Lord, we settle into patterns of taking them for granted, figuring we’ll spend time with them later. But when “later” comes, we’re no longer plugged into their needs—or they are no longer willing to listen to us.

We need to be sensitive to our family’s hurts and desires. Especially those that may not be spoken. Lauren and I have learned to communicate more effectively over the course of our marriage. With her help, I’ve learned to be perceptive to the things that are unspoken, to express my thoughts, and to listen when she starts to speak her mind. Or to follow up when she’s slow to speak hers.

It isn’t always easy, but keeping an eye on the needs of my family and asking for God’s help to see them the way He does has paid great dividends.

Adventure Application: What is one specific way that you can address a need within your family—today?