Single Again

Single Again

As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you, O God.

Psalm 42:1

Tara isn’t alone in her longing to be married. A while back, a newly single-again woman, whom I’ll call Phyllis, contacted the ministry where I worked, asking for encouragement. I had been widowed for several years, so her letter was forwarded to me. Her plea had been triggered by her pastor’s challenge to the singles’ group to think about their use of money.

“Pretend you have one million dollars,” he said. “How would you spend it?”

Phyllis wrote, “I don’t need a million dollars. I need to know how to live as a single in this married world. I was married a long time and thought my future was secure. I married the second man I ever dated. He was my lover, my companion, my best friend. Now that he’s gone, how do I find life again? How can I enjoy coming home to an empty house?

“I need to know God has a plan for me. But in the meantime, how do I survive in a married world? Any man I’d date today wouldn’t want to talk about my former husband, but I can’t pretend those years didn’t happen. Where do I go for the answers? Do any answers exist?”

Here’s how I began my reply: “Dear Phyllis, Tonight, my two teens are away on a youth retreat. My house is silent too. It wasn’t so long ago even an hour of this silence would have been oppressive and would have driven me to switch on every light and turn on the radio full blast.

“But gradually I’ve learned to be comfortable with the silence, and I’ve made friends with empty rooms. You can, too, Phyllis. But first, give yourself time to heal from the loss of a special part of your life. Think of it as an amputation. And be assured that while you can’t control this cut, you can control how long it will bleed. After all, longing for the situation not to have happened merely wastes energy. Energy you need to face a bright future.”

Then I wrote page after page of practical advice, but all of my words featured one theme: “Yes, this is a lonely time. But be gentle with yourself while you heal. Good will come if you don’t settle for second best.” —SANDRA

Lord, the what-ifs and if-onlys loom in my thoughts, and I’m tired of wondering where I went wrong. Pull me onto your path of joy and hope. Let me know brighter days are ahead. And help me to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains; it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

—C. S. LEWIS (1898–1963), IRISH WRITER AND LITERARY SCHOLAR