Argumentative Kindness

Argumentative Kindness

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Colossians 3:13

Francine’s childhood taught her to stand toe-to-toe with anybody who thought he was going to out-tough her. But as a wife, she’s learning to fight fairly. That means no yelling, slapping, or storming out of the room. She and her husband even hold hands when they’re arguing! That simple gesture reminds them they do love each other and are not going to leave each other over this matter.

As one of my widow friends, Peggy, and I talked about what we wish we could do over in our marriages, she said, “I wish I’d known about the talking spoon.”

At my confused look, she explained: When a husband and wife are in the midst of a disagreement, it helps if they will use a spoon as a reminder to discuss the issue rather than get sidetracked. The person holding the spoon gets to talk, and the other person must listen and can’t interrupt.

When the speaker is finished, he or she asks the other, “Now what did you hear me say?”

The other responds by repeating the main points. The spoon holder may say, “Yes, thank you” or “No, that’s not it. This is what I actually said.” But each person is heard. What we usually do in a heated argument is try to figure out the next thing we’re going to say instead of really listening.

Peggy says her husband was quick witted and gave snappy comebacks that pulled her away from the point she wanted to make. She is convinced if they had used the spoon idea, she would have felt calmer and would have expressed herself better.

So a talking spoon might be a good idea, after all. —SANDRA

Lord, so many arguments seem to be over silly things. And usually the real reason is our fear or our need for control. Help me to find a way to affirm the other person even as we disagree. And help me not to say hateful things that will damage a relationship.

Think of all the squabbles Adam and Eve must have had in the course of their nine hundred years. Eve would say, “You ate the apple,” and Adam would retort, “You gave it to me.” —MARTIN LUTHER (1483–1546), GERMAN REFORMATION LEADER