Not Knowing - Joy Davidman

1915–60

“It’s the not knowing that’s killing me.”

That’s a common response to an unresolved problem—physical pain, a relational conflict, or waiting to find out about a job layoff. There’s no way to know at the moment what the outcome will be.

It can feel like torture, can’t it? The not knowing. The uncertainty.

Joy Davidman was a woman familiar with the uncertainties of life. Born into an American secular Jewish family, she identified herself as an atheist at the age of eight. As a young adult, she relied on her own intellect and abilities until life got exceedingly difficult—until the uncertainties hit.

Although she’s known to many as the wife of C. S. Lewis, the Narnia author was not Joy’s first husband. Her first marriage, to Bill Gresham, was a strained one with many problems. One day her husband phoned, telling her he was having a breakdown and couldn’t come home. She did what she could to find him, but no one knew where he was. That evening, after she put her small children to bed, the not knowing got to her. She said she felt helpless for the first time in her life, and in her helplessness “God came in.” Her atheism was no more, and she understood that God had always been there.

Later in her life, during her marriage to C. S. Lewis, Joy was struggling with the cancer that would eventually take her life at age forty-five. It was difficult to deal with the uncertainty of which direction the cancer would go. How long did she have? Would there be pain? There were no definitive answers. Eventually, she came to terms with the uncertainty and wrote to a friend that “uncertainty is what God has given us for a cross.”

When things are uncertain, of course we want to know the eventual outcome. We may grow frustrated when God doesn’t seem to provide answers. Yet he provides something far more important—a relationship with him. Even in your uncertainty, draw closer to him.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7