Learning To Listen

To answer before listening, that is folly and shame.

Proverbs 18:13 (NIV)

All right, this affirms what we should already know. We need to be better listeners. I am convinced that many of our problems are because we only half understand each other. We have not learned to talk things out and hear each other out. Honestly, I wish I were better at this. My parents didn’t really sit down to discuss serious issues with us when I was growing up. Still to this day, I feel I have much to learn.

Gary Smalley’s book The DNA of Relationships has an excellent chapter called “Emotional Communication: Listen with the Heart.” His points are very helpful. I’ll share four of them.

1. “Listen beyond the words to the feelings.” This is very important. Maybe your friend asks why you didn’t arrive on time, or she says that she’s angry that you forgot an appointment. Behind her anger is really a feeling that you don’t care. She’s hurt.
2. “Allow others’ emotions to touch you.” Don’t say, “You shouldn’t feel like that,” or, “Oh, just get over it.” People feel loved when they know you care.
3. “Communication is understanding, not determining who’s right.” If you are always trying to prove you are right and the other person is wrong, no one wins.
4. “Effective communication starts with safety.” Criticism and threats cause others to shut down.

Bottom line: let’s all be better listeners. Let’s be quick to hear and slow to speak.

Make It Personal . . . Live It Out!

The next time you are in an important conversation, practice the art of listening carefully. This is just as valuable in a pleasant conversation as it is when there’s a conflict. Here are some “active listening” skills.

• Don’t multitask while listening. Glancing at your phone screen or watch or the TV is a message that you’re only half there.
• Ask a few questions that show your interest.
• Reaffirm by saying things like, “That is interesting” or “I hear you.”

Let’s Pray

Lord, please help! I know I haven’t listened to others in the same way I would like them to listen to me. Help me to be patient. And most of all, help me to listen with a heart of love.

One Year Bible Reading

2 Kings 23:31–25:30; Acts 22:17–23:10; Psalm 2:1-12; Proverbs 18:13