Your Romance Quotient

May the Lord make your love for one another and for all people grow and overflow.

1 Thessalonians 3:12

When they married eighteen months ago, Kim never would have dreamed she’d find herself complaining that her husband, Steve, didn’t show her enough affection. “He was so attentive that he would notice if I changed a part in my hair or bought a new blouse,” Kim says. But the loving words and compliments come a little less often now, and frankly, Kim misses the special attention. “He thinks I’m the one who’s cooling off,” she says, “but I just can’t get interested in sex when I feel I’m being ignored.”

Kim and Steve aren’t alone. The frequent expressions of affection and approval that couples give each other during the courtship and honeymoon stage can dwindle during the first years of marriage. You may love each other as much, but you tend to talk about it less. There’s a peak of emotional intimacy during the early phase of a relationship, and then the “I love yous” dwindle and the romance fades. And if we are not careful, they can remain at low ebb for years to come.

Let’s make this perfectly clear. Contrary to the fairy tales we were weaned on, romance runs the risk of fading. No, let us rephrase that—romance always fades. As human beings, we aren’t built to maintain the high levels of feverish passion and romance experienced during the early days of engagement and the honeymoon. Even the more mature stories of doomed love reinforce this notion. Remember the tragic twosome Romeo and Juliet? How about Lancelot and Guinevere? Rhett and Scarlett? In each case, love was snuffed out while the heat of passion was still turned up full blast. Why? Because it couldn’t last. The heat of passion was never meant to.

However, that doesn’t mean we are doomed to never enjoy the romance of a honeymoon again. Not by a long shot. In fact, researchers have found that the deepest and most satisfying moments in a couple’s marriage are enjoyed during their second half. It often takes effort to get there, though. So the question is, what are you doing to ensure your romance quotient doesn’t fade? Sure, the engagement and honeymoon are over, and maybe all your “early married” years, too. But the married years you’re in now can be full of romance too. What can you do now to make your love overflow?^a

And what’s romance? Usually, a nice little tale where you have everything As You Like It, where rain never wets your jacket and gnats never bite your nose and it’s always daisy-time.

—D. H. Lawrence

^a 85

From the book