What Are You Saying?

What Are You Saying?

I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return.

Philippians 1:9-10

The world’s longest marriage was just recently celebrated. According to Guinness World Records, Lee, ninety-one, and Kim, ninety-five, from South Korea celebrated their eighty-second wedding anniversary at a festive event in the house of their eldest son, age seventy-five. Lee and Kim have five sons, three daughters, and 105 grandchildren and great-grandchildren. On their anniversary, the world’s longest-married couple was given special gifts, including eighty-two roses . . . and two pairs of hearing aids.

After more than eight decades of marriage they were getting hearing aids! Guess they still wanted to be sure they wouldn’t miss a word. Can you imagine the number of conversations this couple has had? In all that time, they must have touched on every conceivable topic a husband and wife could discuss. But this record-breaking marriage got us to thinking. Did Lee and Kim ever pay conscious attention to a particular “conversation” that most couples rarely even recognize?

There’s a quiet conversation that takes place every day in your marriage and that almost always goes unnoticed, yet it’s the most important discussion you will ever have. Its words linger longer, are felt more deeply, and determine the closeness or distance you feel. We’re talking about the conversation you have with yourself when your partner isn’t listening. We’re talking about your relational self-talk.

Each of us, every minute of every hour, holds an unending internal dialogue, which colors every experience in our marriages. Self-talk occurs without any prior reflection or reasoning. The brain instantly reads this information as plausible and valid. Now, self-talk need not be accurate—in fact, for many of us, it rarely is—but this never hinders the mind from acting as if it were. While this dialogue is rarely noticed, it continually shapes our attitudes, emotions, and outlooks. So what are you saying to yourself about your relationship? What does your inner dialogue about your spouse sound like?

Tune in to your self-talk related to marriage. Is it supportive of your spouse and productive to your marriage? Why or why not?

The more faithfully you listen to the voices within you, the better you will hear what is sounding outside.

—Dag Hammarskjōld