Watch What You Say About Each Other

Watch What You Say about Each Other

What you say flows from what is in your heart.

Luke 6:45

Did you know that how you talk about each other to your friends and family and even strangers can predict your success as a couple? That’s what researchers at the University of Washington in Seattle report. A ten-year study followed ninety-five couples beginning six months into their marriages. The initial hour-long interview together probed their relationships, their parents’ unions, and their philosophies of marriage.

More than what was actually said, researchers noted whether they expressed fondness and admiration for their partners, if they talked about themselves as a unit, if they finished each other’s sentences, referenced each other when they told a story, and whether what came to mind was pleasant. Turns out that couples characterized by these ways of talking about one another and their relationship are far more likely to enjoy lifelong love.

In fact, with this information alone, researchers can predict with 87 percent accuracy whether a couple will end up divorcing. Think about that. How you talk to others about your spouse and your relationship is a huge indicator of the state of your union. Even within just the first six months of marriage, the signs become pretty clear. The authors of the study found that couples who endure talk to others about their spouses as if they are wearing “rose-colored glasses.” Those who will divorce talk to others about their spouses with cynicism.

How can this be? It comes down to how your attitude shapes the way you view your spouse. If you give public praise to others about your spouse, you will inevitably look more favorably upon him or her yourself. You will discover a deeper appreciation for your partner than you had before. In fact, the more opportunities you find to talk positively about your partner when he or she isn’t present, the more likely you are to increase your loving attitudes and behaviors toward him or her. In other words, what you say about your spouse, for good or ill, shapes the way you think, feel, and act in your marriage.

How do you speak about your spouse? Do you point out the good or the bad? Could your relationship benefit from an increased loving attitude about him or her?

Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those who think they talk sense.

—Robert Frost