The Strangulation Of Triangulation

The Strangulation of Triangulation

[When Jacob told Rachel and Leah about his plans to return to his homeland,] Rachel and Leah responded, “That’s fine with us! We won’t inherit any of our father’s wealth anyway. He has reduced our rights to those of foreign women. . . . So go ahead and do whatever God has told you.”

Genesis 31:14-16

Helen and a girlfriend from church were going to Italy for ten weeks to work temporarily at a design studio where her friend had connections. Helen, a single woman in her thirties, had always dreamed of traveling abroad. For the first time in her life she had the opportunity, and she was very excited to go.

Helen was an adult, but she still lived in the same small town as her parents and attended the same church. In fact, the three often enjoyed Sunday lunch together. And it was at one Sunday lunch that Helen told her parents the exciting news about her trip. As it turned out, however, her parents, who had never even thought about traveling overseas, weren’t so excited. Her father asked why she would need to take such a trip. Then her mother stepped in, aggressively suggesting that Helen seemed depressed and despondent. Helen couldn’t believe her ears.

The next thing she knew, her mother had scheduled an appointment for Helen to see a psychiatrist, and her relatively uninvolved father suddenly encouraged her to go. Helen endured a couple of interviews with a puzzled psychiatrist and fought her parents’ escalating efforts to cancel her trip. Eventually, though, she gave in and passed up the opportunity to go abroad.

Why is it that, just as Helen was doing something she felt excited about, her parents moved in to resist it? Or consider Laban and his daughters, Rachel and Leah: because of Laban’s underhanded dealings, they were left unsupported by the person who should have been most helpful in the establishment of their marriages. How can otherwise loving family members be capable of directly moving to thwart our opportunities?

The answer is found in a family triangle. In some families, a person becomes so entrenched in a triangulated role that his or her identity cannot be separated from it. That was Helen’s problem. Over the years, she had served as mediator between her mother and father, and her plan to leave for ten weeks was so threatening to the family’s delicate relational balance that a crisis ensued.

Eventually, Helen transcended the “strangulation of triangulation.” She realized that her role in the triangle sabotaged her attempts to develop a separate identity and invest in other relationships. Though she had missed her opportunity to travel abroad, like Rachel and Leah, Helen eventually took other steps that set healthier boundaries between herself and her parents.

Do you see emotional triangles in the family you came from? How do they affect your life and your marriage today?

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

—Harry Truman