Taking Tender

Taking Tender

Take a lesson from the ants, you lazybones. Learn from their ways and become wise! Though they have no prince or governor or ruler to make them work, they labor hard all summer, gathering food for the winter.

Proverbs 6:6-8

“Why do you always make the money decisions?” Leslie asked me.

We were standing in the middle of a department store trying to choose a new couch for our apartment, and it seemed to her that I was controlling the purse strings.

“I don’t make the money decisions,” I said. “Our bank account does.” That remark was followed by a lengthy, whiny discussion—okay, it was a fight—over how we manage, or should manage, our money. Was I in charge or were we in charge? It’s an important question for all of us.

I don’t know how you would answer that question, but if you are like most people we counsel, you might be saying, “We can talk about almost anything except money.” And that’s understandable. Money is a touchy subject for most. The topic sometimes brings out the worst in people, causing otherwise loving people to become withdrawn, pushy, or manipulative. But it doesn’t have to be that way. With the right attitude and an honest agenda, couples can effectively communicate about getting out of debt, spending and giving, investing, and all the rest.

If you need a fresh start in talking with your spouse about your financial future, start by discussing your spending styles of the past. Here are some ideas to get the conversation going. How did your childhood shape your beliefs about money? How were financial decisions made in the home where you grew up? Was money discussed openly?

Thinking through this kind of question will give you empathy for one another’s money-management style and help you move into discussing how you each approach money today. Are the two styles in sync with each other? Don’t be disturbed if you find your priorities conflict. The goal is to communicate and eventually compromise, not to evaluate and judge. Then, if you need further help, get it. Use the resources widely available today to help you gather “food for the winter.”

Money often costs too much.

—Ralph Waldo Emerson