Shipshape Relationship

Those who refresh others will themselves be refreshed.

Proverbs 11:25

A Battleship is an unlikely place to learn a tender lesson in love, but that’s exactly where one can be found when Mike Abrashoff is in command. You may know his story of taking the worst-performing ship in the US Navy fleet and turning it into number one.

As commander of a one-billion-dollar warship and a crew of 310, Mike Abrashoff used grassroots leadership to increase retention rates from 28 percent to 100 percent, reduce operating expenditures, and improve readiness. How did he do it? Among other things, he placed supreme importance on public compliments.

“The commanding officer of a ship is authorized to hand out 15 medals a year,” he writes. “I wanted to err on the side of excess, so I passed out 115.” Nearly every time a sailor left his ship for another assignment, Captain Abrashoff gave him or her a medal. “Even if they hadn’t been star players, they got medals in a public ceremony as long as they had done their best every day. I delivered a short speech describing how much we cherished the recipient’s friendship, camaraderie, and hard work.” Sometimes the departing sailor’s shipmates told funny stories, recalling his or her foibles, trials, and triumphs. But the bottom line was to make the person feel good by complimenting him or her in front of others.

“There is absolutely no downside to this symbolic gesture,” said Abrashoff, “provided it is done sincerely without hype.” Captain D. Michael Abrashoff knew how to make his sailors feel like a million bucks.^a

And you can do the same thing for your partner. In fact, when was the last time you gave him or her some public praise? You don’t have to create a ceremony like Captain Abrashoff. You can do so whenever you’re with friends or family—whether your spouse is there or not. Whenever you have the opportunity to publicly praise another person, don’t let it slip by.

So think about a time that is coming up when you will be with other people. Maybe it’s out to dinner with friends. Maybe it’s a small group study. Whatever the situation, think in advance about how you might put this suggestion into practice. In specific terms, how might you compliment your spouse in front of others?

And while we’re at it, take this moment together, right now, to imagine that you had a medal to award your spouse for the past few days. You may not have a public ceremony in which to make a little speech. That doesn’t matter. Just tell each other about the reasons you’d award each other a medal right now.

Praise in public; criticize in private.

—Vince Lombardi

^a 118

From the book