She Never Hears Me

She Never Hears Me

We are each responsible for our own conduct.

Galatians 6:5

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor: “I think my wife is deaf. She never hears me the first time I say something. In fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again.”

“Well,” the doctor replies, “go home tonight, stand about fifteen feet from her, and say something. If she doesn’t reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea of the severity of her deafness.”

Sure enough, the husband goes home, and he does exactly as instructed. He stands about fifteen feet from his wife, who is standing in the kitchen, chopping some vegetables.

“Honey, what’s for dinner?”

He gets no response, so he moves about five feet closer and asks again.

“Honey, what’s for dinner?”

No reply.

He moves five feet closer, and still no reply.

He gets fed up and moves right behind her—about an inch away—and asks one final time, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

She replies, “For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”

Too often we project our own problems—our own character defects—onto our soul mates. After all, it’s easier to assume he or she is the one with the problem, not us. It’s all part of the blame game.

Some time ago in a counseling session, we saw a couple, one of whom was struggling with serious thoughts of infidelity. Instead of dealing with these undesirable thoughts consciously, it turns out, he began to project these feelings onto his wife. He began to think that she was having thoughts of infidelity and that she might be having an affair.

This situation illustrates the psyche’s process of “acquittal by conscience.” He projected his own impulses onto her so that he wouldn’t have to grapple with them himself. Of course, this is a dramatic example of projection in relationships, but we do the same thing for less severe accusations. Have you ever said, “I’m not angry; you’re the one who’s angry!” when all the while you’re shouting at the top of your lungs and you’re red in the face? You get the idea.

So why not ’fess up and explore together, right now, the times or the topics where you think you are most inclined to project your problems onto your partner?

A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.

—John Burroughs