Making Time To Talk

Making Time to Talk

I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose.

1 Corinthians 1:10

A traditional Navajo wedding took place outside of Seattle a few years ago. As is customary, tribal couples crowded into the newlyweds’ hogan to offer counsel. One man cleared his throat as if to speak, but at that very moment his wife kneed him in the back. So he kept silent, and others spoke up. Later he tried again, clearing his throat, but again he felt his wife’s restraining knee. This happened a third time, so the man gave up.

As the guests filed out, the wife in question asked her husband, “Why did you say nothing?”

“I was going to, but each time I was about to speak I thought you didn’t want me to.”

“I nudged you three times to get you to speak,” she protested. “What would you have said?”

“I would have spoken of the importance of communication in marriage.”^a

You’ve probably had a few moments of frustrated communication like that, haven’t you? And you’ve probably heard this before, but it’s nearly impossible to overstate the importance of communication in marriage—as well as the difficulty it presents for most couples. If you consider how much of the day we spend communicating in general you’d think we’d find it easier. After all, experts estimate that 70 percent of our waking hours are spent either taking information in or giving it out. Thirty-three percent of that time is devoted to talking and 42 percent to listening. We participate in communication more than just about any other human activity. Yet when it comes to marriage, it seems our biggest communication hurdle is simply finding the time to talk.

A friend of ours recently told us that in managing their household of four children, he and his wife feel more like air-traffic controllers than husband and wife. We know the feeling. Most couples do. In a national survey of married couples, researchers found that, on average, we spend less than three minutes of meaningful conversation together in a typical day.

Yikes! Can you believe it? We are so busy that after we coordinate schedules and deal with the business of the day, we don’t seem to have enough time to genuinely check in with each other on how we’re really doing. Busyness deludes us into thinking that we’re conversing when we are actually just trying to hold on to the hectic speed of our days.

Take a few minutes to check in with one another. As you debrief your day (or prepare for the day ahead) ask your spouse to share a high and low as a quick way to connect at a deeper level.

The reason most major goals are not achieved is that we spend our time doing second things first.

—Robert J. McKain

^a 20