Grief Is A Gift

Grief Is a Gift

Son of man, groan before the people! Groan before them with bitter anguish and a broken heart.

Ezekiel 21:6

Within just a few days of the September 11 tragedy in New York City, I (Les) found myself in Manhattan, working with a team of psychologists who were flown in to assist in the aftermath. Soon I was speaking with a man who showed me a crinkled photo of his sister who worked in the World Trade Center. She didn’t survive. I walked with a firefighter to the emergency morgue as he delivered a body part in a red plastic bag. I prayed a solemn prayer, and then he and I walked back into the hole of Ground Zero. I spoke with a mom who held out hope beyond hope that her son who drove a delivery truck would be found and identified in the twisted steel.

I spoke with so many whose countenances showed palpable loss. And now, years later, I have spoken to many of these same people and have joyfully discovered that, in spite of this horrific trauma, they are learning to trust life once more. Along with millions of others, they are learning some important truths about grief.

Grief is a gift. It is as natural and normal as sleeping when you are tired. Although it might sound backward, grief actually works to restore your soul. Very succinctly, grief is the process of separation of one’s emotions from the jolt of any loss. Of course, grief is preoccupying and depleting. Some well-intentioned friends may think it is their job to “talk you out of it,” but it’s your right to grieve—individually and as a couple—if you have suffered loss of any kind. Bereaved people move through various stages of grief that allow them to reorganize life in positive ways. In other words, grief is a healing agent.

So if you happen to find yourselves grieving during this season for any reason, give yourselves permission to mourn your loss. Don’t try to act “recovered” when you aren’t. Doing so would only short-circuit the healthy progression of grief. Instead, cry when you want to. Talk about your pain when you can. And give yourself freedom to mourn your loss.

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break.

—William Shakespeare