From You To We

From You to We

First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.

Matthew 7:5

There’s an old joke about a couple, married for decades, living in a small town. Two elderly men are sitting on a bench, and the one asks the other how this local couple is doing. “You know how it is,” comes the laconic reply. “They’ve only ever had one argument in their married life—and they’re still having it.”

Let’s face it. Conflict is inevitable, even in the parsonage and even if it’s the same fight over and over. But most of us don’t limit our conflict to one area. After all, it takes very little for the fur to fly in most marriages. We end up arguing about silly little things: “Who took my pen?” or “You just passed a parking space right there!” Such seemingly innocuous questions and statements, when laced with a particular attitude, can ignite a major blowout. It’s almost unavoidable. We can’t eliminate conflict completely—not if we are being authentic with our feelings. But if we do our best to see the issue from our partner’s perspective, we can reduce conflict’s life span and minimize its negative impact.

How does simply broadening our perspective limit conflict’s damaging effects for us? By trading in the blame game for positive solutions. By exchanging “you” statements for “we” statements. The results of one study showed that the “best” arguers are those who don’t point their fingers. According to the study, the person who says “we” the most during an argument suggests the best solutions.

So the next time conflict erupts—and it will—try trading in your “you” statements for “we” statements. You’ll be amazed how such a simple vocabulary swap can change everything.

The course of true love never did run smooth.

—William Shakespeare