Exploring Your Dark Side

When you fast, don’t make it obvious, as the hypocrites do, for they try to look miserable and disheveled so people will admire them for their fasting. I tell you the truth, that is the only reward they will ever get.

Matthew 6:16

Have you ever been surprised by someone’s description of you? Maybe they said you were outgoing when you thought of yourself as shy. Or perhaps they said you were insensitive when you thought you were compassionate. When a surprising description emerges, it almost always gives one pause. It may also give us a glimpse into an aspect of ourselves we’ve never acknowledged.

We may be hard driving, self-righteous, a tightwad, defensive, have unrealistic goals, an insatiable need for recognition, a preoccupation with appearance, or any number of other things. The list of unhealthy traits we don’t see in ourselves is endless.

But is that so bad? Truth be told, everyone has tendencies toward meanness, selfishness, envy, materialism, cruelty, dishonesty, lust, and irresponsibility. In fact, the more of these miserable parts we have, the stronger our potential for spiritual sensitivity is. Why? Because our character is hammered out, not in the absence of negative traits, but because of them. For example, your struggle to overcome selfishness will make your generous spirit, once honed, far more prized, meaningful, and valuable than if it had come more easily or more naturally to you. There is no virtue in not acting on a desire that doesn’t exist.

Yet so many people, especially some well-intentioned religious folks, work diligently to block out or bury their baser parts. They operate under the false assumption that if they ignore such bad tendencies, their dark sides will disappear. Spiritually healthy people take a different approach. They come to terms with the rotten parts of their nature, eventually learn why they have them, and most importantly, they learn how to subdue, control, and even transform them by giving them over to God.

We know this is a heavy topic, but we want to pose a simple two-part question: What is one of the traits in your dark side that you’d be willing to acknowledge to your partner right now, and what’s one thing you can do today that will help you improve it?

The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we’re afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we’ll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy.

—Richard Bach

From the book