Bridging The Sex Gap

Bridging the Sex Gap

The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.

1 Corinthians 7:4

Although the typical red-blooded American male would never dream of publicly admitting his hunger to be held or his craving to be caressed or his yearning to be massaged, those desires are often as real for men as for women. It’s true. In his private and vulnerable moments, even an unaffectionate man will confess that he wants his wife to touch him more often.

Okay, you might say as a wife, but isn’t the type of touching at issue here—those gentle caresses to arouse and seduce—exactly the time-consuming foreplay that sometimes exasperates men (at least according to conventional wisdom)? Don’t men prefer to move straight toward the “main event”?

Not exactly. It’s just that, relative to women, men lack the language and the courage to express specific physical needs—to ask for what they really want. So what ends up happening simply perpetuates the myth. Instead of working to improve the process, the goal-oriented male focuses on the prize at the end of the rainbow.

In a recent counseling session, after taking a brief inventory about their sex life, a husband told me (Les) that he loves touching his wife. “She has the softest skin, and it feels so good to caress her,” he confessed. “But I wish she would do the same for me.” It’s not the first time I’ve heard that.

So tonight as you slip between the sheets, set aside your expectations and use your pillow talk to explore one of the most important things that happens in your bed: lovemaking and all that leads to it. Use today’s meditation as an opportunity to bridge the communication gap about your sex life. Do your best to uncover what your partner likes and dislikes about being touched in the preamble to your lovemaking.

Recount an occasion when you felt in sync sexually. And if that’s a distant memory (as it is for many couples), think of what that would mean for you and discuss it. What makes you feel like your partner is in tune with your physical desires? On a scale of one to ten, how open do you feel you can be with each other on this topic and why?

Anybody who believes that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach flunked geography.

—Robert Byrne