Are You Criticizing Or Complaining?

Are You Criticizing or Complaining?

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Colossians 3:13

The Reverend Bowen was struck with an inspired idea while taking a shower. He was tired of hearing the parishioners at his Kansas City church complain about everything from the choice of hymns at the Sunday service to the informal dress code at the church’s Saturday night worship. So he asked his flock to take a pledge: vowing not to complain, criticize, gossip, or use sarcasm for twenty-one consecutive days. People who joined his cause were issued little purple bracelets as a reminder of their pledge to quit complaining. If they caught themselves complaining, they were supposed to take off the bracelet, switch it to the opposite wrist, and start counting the days from scratch.^a

Pretty good idea, huh? After all, who wouldn’t like to eliminate complaining—especially from your own marriage? Well, a little-known secret among marriage specialists is the fact that complaining is actually good for your marriage. You read that right! It’s good for your marriage. Research at the University of Washington has shown that complaining, at a moderate level, helps couples air their grievances and keep improving. What isn’t helpful to a marriage is criticism.

So what’s the difference between criticism and complaining? Criticism almost always begins with you (“You always make us late!”), whereas complaining almost always begins with I (“I feel so frustrated when we are late to something that matters to me”). This may seem like a small matter of semantics, but it makes a big difference in our marriages. Today’s verse tells us we must forgive others for their faults—after all, think of all the Lord has forgiven us. But expressing our frustrations in a loving way is sometimes necessary in order for healthy change to occur.

How can you work to eliminate criticism from your marriage? Would a twenty-one day challenge work for you? Or is there another way you could challenge yourself to start forgiving your spouse for his or her faults and expressing complaints in a loving way?

It is only imperfection that complains of what is imperfect. The more perfect we are, the more gentle and quiet we become toward the defects of others.

—François Fénelon

^a 76