Confronting Defensiveness

[Samuel asked,] “Why haven’t you obeyed the LORD? Why did you rush for the plunder and do what was evil in the LORD’s sight?” “But I did obey the LORD,” Saul insisted. “I carried out the mission he gave me.”

1 Samuel 15:19-20

WHY DO WE GET SO DEFENSIVE? Defensiveness is part of human nature. We see defensiveness even in the Bible. Job, fed up with advice from his so-called friends, angrily stated at one point that he knew just as much as they did. (See Job 13:2.) In the verses above, we see that Saul, Israel’s first king, responded defensively and untruthfully to the prophet Samuel when confronted about going against the Lord’s instructions.

Consider this example: Eric was chopping onions, and Jennifer was pouring oil in the pan. When Eric left to adjust the radio, Jennifer plopped the onions in the oil. He returned and said, “You know, there’s a better way to do that.” Jennifer responded, “Why do you always have to be in charge of everything?” “I just thought you would want my advice. You know this meal is my specialty,” Eric said. “Then cook your special meal,” Jennifer snorted as she walked out of the kitchen.

What happened? Eric’s statements touched one of Jennifer’s emotional hot spots. She already felt Eric was exerting too much control over her life. Now he was telling her how to cook, and she became defensive.

All of us have emotional hot spots. We don’t know where they are until we hit them. When we do, the key is taking time to ask some questions: What can we learn from our defensiveness? What was there about my statement that caused you to get defensive? Once we take this approach, we will come to understand our defensiveness and find ways to deal positively with the problem.

Father, it’s easy for me to become defensive when I feel put on the spot or accused. Please help me to understand why I’m reacting that way. Help me to choose a better response.

Defensiveness

From the book