Avoiding Arguments

Avoiding Arguments

Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.

Proverbs 20:3

I’VE OFTEN HEARD in counseling sessions, “I don’t like to talk with my spouse because we always end up arguing!” Some people love to argue; others do not. The Bible says it’s honorable to avoid a fight and wise not to quarrel. That’s a good rule of thumb for marriage, but that doesn’t mean you should shut down communication altogether.

How can you talk with an argumentative spouse without arguing? First of all, acknowledge that you have a problem: Fear of arguments is keeping you from effective communication. You need to share this with your spouse. You might say, “I really want us to have a good marriage with good communication. I think that is what you want, too, but lately, I’ve drawn back from talking with you because I’m afraid we will get into an argument.” Now you have laid it on the table. Your spouse has a chance to respond. I suggest you offer the following idea: “Could we agree to dedicate one night a week to arguing? The rest of the week we could talk about the good things in our lives.”

Your spouse may be open to this new format. After all, why argue all the time if you can limit it to one evening a week? If an issue comes up that you need to address, commit to discussing it calmly. If you can’t do that, write it down and come back to it at your designated “conflict discussion” time. And if you are the argumentative spouse, perhaps you can be the one to suggest this new idea. You may see your communication blossom when the threat of constant argument is gone.

Lord God, sometimes our different levels of comfort with conflict and arguing cause our communication to shut down. Help me to be aware of when either my spouse or I am shutting down because of quarreling. Please give us the restraint to discuss things calmly and communicate well without constant arguing.

Arguing