Affirming In Disagreement

Affirming in Disagreement

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.

Proverbs 15:1

DO YOU KNOW HOW to affirm your spouse even when you disagree? It’s a big step in learning how to have meaningful conversations. Take this example: A wife has shared that she is hurt by something her husband has done, and he responds, “I appreciate your sharing your ideas and feelings with me. Now I can understand why you could feel so hurt. If I were in your shoes, I’m sure I would feel the same way. I want you to know that I love you very much, and it hurts me to see you upset. I appreciate your being open with me.” This husband has learned the art of affirming his wife even though he may not agree with her perception.

Of course, he has a perspective and will eventually share it, but first, he wants his wife to know that he understands what she is saying and can identify with her pain. He is not condemning her interpretation, nor is he telling her that she should not feel upset. In fact, he is acknowledging that if he were in her shoes, he would feel the same way. And he would—because if he had her personality and perception, then he would feel what she feels.

Harsh words or judgment will frequently provoke anger. But giving a gentle answer, as King Solomon says in the above proverb, encourages a thoughtful response. This affirmation of feelings creates a positive climate where the offended person can now hear the other person’s side.

Father, let me make it my goal to give a gentle answer to my spouse. Please give me the humility to acknowledge his or her feelings without immediately needing to point out my perspective.

Communication