Trouble Talk

Trouble Talk

The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.

Many of us women love to talk—myself included. In fact, I often have to curb my impulse to gossip. I’m never trying to be malicious; I just want to know what’s going on. Call it the latent reporter in me.

To me, gossip can sometimes fall into the category of “trouble talk,” a term coined by linguistics expert Deborah Tannen. It’s the idea that, as women, we share our troubles as a way to connect with other women. It strengthens our friendships. It makes us feel closer to one another. In fact, according to Tannen, if I were to share something difficult in my life, and the woman I was confiding in either ignored the problem or was unable to sympathize, it would damage our budding friendship. As friends, we instinctively know that our friend is seeking empathetic trouble talk, so if they tell us about a hardship, and we have nothing to contribute in return, we end up telling them a similar story about someone else—a friend or family member, a neighbor or community member, perhaps even a Hollywood star—all in an attempt to let our friend know she’s not alone.

Yet the Bible reminds us time and again that the words we say possess both power and consequences. Words can be life-affirming or cutting, encouraging or harmful. As Christians who seek to emulate a loving God, we need to be careful that our well-meaning desire to support a friend doesn’t devolve into gossip or slander of another person. Perhaps next time someone trouble talks with you, you can opt for a life-giving way to affirm them. For example, offer empathy for the feeling itself without offering someone else’s story in return. Saying something like, “I can see why that would make you angry,” lets them know that you care without crossing the line into gossip.

If you do choose to use someone else’s story to trouble talk in return, keep the people involved anonymous. Sometimes, it really can be helpful to let someone know they aren’t alone by talking about someone who overcame a similar challenge. However, avoid the impulse to include details that might identify the person or persons you’re speaking about.

— Kristin

— Today’s Act of Friendship —

The next time someone tells you something difficult, listen and respond without gossiping.