What Does It Look Like? - Marriage Partnership (Part Deux)

What Does It Look Like? - Marriage Partnership (Part Deux)

AFTER MY NEW CONFIDANTE shared her story, my mind raced. With thirty-nine minutes left in the flight, I was unsure if I could paint a picture of a healthy marriage for her. However, I knew she was a successful business executive, so I tried to give her a picture of something I thought she could relate to.

A good marriage, I told her, moves to a great marriage when each person agrees to an equal partnership. There should be no Alpha Dog or victim in a marriage partnership. Virginia Satir, in The New Peoplemaking, says it best: “For each person to flourish, each needs psychological permission to be him- or herself, to develop these interests and parts that especially fit. Furthermore, each partner willingly and knowledgeably supports the other in this regard and, in turn, is supported. Each is respected by the other, each is autonomous, and each is unique.”^a Both parties must agree that their opinions are equal in value—and deserve to be heard.

As in a strong business partnership, each person brings his or her own gifts and talents to complement and augment the other. My personal theory is that successful relationships, in work or marriage, occur when a “how” person teams up with a “what” person. In our marriage and in our business, I’m the “what” person; I come up with the ideas. Steve is better at operations than me—a “how” person, he figures out (a) if the “what” can be done and (b) importantly, how to do it. Two “whats” or two “hows” often struggle in business or love.

A business will not thrive if one person is left to carry the workload—physically, mentally, or emotionally. Sometimes one of the business partners will be “off his or her game,” so the other partner picks up the slack until the distracted partner gets his or her second wind. It’s never a 50/50 workload, in business or in marriage. Sometimes you carry the load; sometimes you are the load.

An enthusiastic business partner with a vision for the future makes it stronger. So it is in marriage. Each person should appreciate the other’s vision and dreams, knowing that a highly engaged partner makes the business (or marriage, in this case) stronger. Without growth and enthusiasm for goals, partnerships atrophy.

In healthy business environments, teammates dignify their partners with their tone of speech and attitude of respect. Barking orders, ridiculing, and giving the silent treatment are not condoned (at least not in my workplace). A marriage partnership might survive under these circumstances, but it will never flourish.

A wise woman builds her home,but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. (Proverbs 14:1)

When I finished speaking, my new girlfriend looked at me skeptically. I’m not sure if she got the picture or not. But Ava will. Because at thirty thousand feet, a total stranger pointed out to me that children must see our philosophies and value system in action in order to believe them.

^a Virginia Satir, The New Peoplemaking (Mountainview, CA: Science and Behavior Books, 1988), 325–326.