Sticks And Stones - When The Truth Hurts

Sticks and Stones - When the Truth Hurts

LET’S FACE IT. Many of us would rather eat June bugs than confront someone. We long for peace and unity, so we stuff the truth because it’s easier to sit quiet than deal with the fallout. But girlfriends, there’s nothing harmonious about living out a lie and nothing more hurtful than when you learn your relationship is a scam.

We skirt issues with our spouse, deny there are problems with our children, and even avoid people at work to keep that knot in our stomach at bay. We struggle with speaking the truth when we know it’s going to hurt. But I have a news flash for you—it’s going to hurt them more when they realize that you’ve been hiding what you really feel; and you know as well as I do that sooner or later the truth always comes out.

At some point you’re going to have to tell that person that

“I’m angry.”

“I’m resentful.”

“I’m restless.”

“I’m disappointed.”

“I’m lonely.”

“I’m hurt.”

“I’m confused.”

“I’m disinterested.”

“I’m bored.”

“I’m embarrassed.”

“I made the wrong decision.”

To soften the sting when addressing someone else’s actions, be sure to take responsibility for your own feelings. I actually had to do this at work recently, and even though it was difficult, we both felt better once the cards were on the table—faceup.

Approaching someone in humility makes it much more likely that he or she will listen. “If you fail to confront, you will lose,” says noted psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud. “But, if you confront poorly, you will also lose. So, you must confront, but confront well. That means that the truth-telling side of your character must be integrated with the loving and caring side of your character. When you show up to deal with a problem, you must bring both of them together. Confront the problem, but in a way that preserves the relationship and the person.”^a

Don’t wait until you’re exhausted, frustrated, and have already checked out of the relationship. Be sincere. Be direct. Be kind. And be responsible for your own feelings.

Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church. (Ephesians 4:14-15)

Learning to confront well is an art form that takes courage and practice. Begin today.

^a Henry Cloud, Integrity: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality (New York: HarperCollins, 2006), 191–192.