Being “Right” and Respect - The Humility Project for Fathers

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-2, ESV)

I hate marital tension, especially during a night out or a vacation. I realize that no time is convenient for it, but I would prefer that it didn’t intrude on times that are officially designated for rest and peace.

My wife and I were on a short holiday at the beach. I was doing some very spiritual reading—Spurgeon or some other reliable theologian—and she said something. I have no recollection of what it was, but it got me thinking, what she is saying is not true. I seemed to remember that she had said things like that before. This time I am going to help her. I am going to help her see that she is wrong.

My reasoning was sound. My choice of reading material assured me that I was a discerning human being—no frivolous beach novels here—so my judgment was keen from the start. I was doing this for her. Without a hint of anger, I approached the situation calmly. I didn’t want to provoke her or put her on the defensive so I was a little surprised when she didn’t receive it well. I don’t remember the details of the next hour or two, but I do remember she said we were going to have to “agree to disagree,” which had never been helpful for us in the past.

As we walked together in silence to the beach the next day, a simple truth broke through. This is one of the beauties of Scripture—it gives the way of wisdom and makes it available to anyone with ears to hear. Expect a simple question to be your means of deliverance.

Did I love?

This question is stamped all over Scripture, and yet I missed it. Being right was a deceptive cover. It felt orthodox. I felt manly and leader-like. I thought I was standing for the truth. But it was my truth that concerned me, not the truth about Jesus. Once I was unmasked as an irritatingly loud gong, the truth was clear: I did not love.

I immediately asked forgiveness. I might have even gotten on my knees, which I recommend as a great way to ask for forgiveness. Two things happened: First, peace rushed in as she easily forgave. Second, I completely forgot what I was so right about. A vacation recovered, a relationship deepened and improved.

These events are etched in my conscience and leave me afraid of the deceptive nature of sin. I knew I was right. Sometimes our selfishness will be loud and angry. Jesus spoke of our human instinct to see other people’s faults but be blind to our own (Matt. 7:3-5). When our pride goes unnoticed, it can destroy relationships. With this in mind, stick with me for a moment longer.

“Being right” often hides within our desire for respect or validation. We believe we deserve respect from our family. Why? Because we believe the Bible tells them to give it, or at least that is the way our pride tells the story. Humility tells a different one. You have been shown mercy from God. You deserved death; he gives you forgiveness and life with him. When you have been given such a gift, you treat others as you have been treated. The apostle Paul teaches us to approach relationships as though we had a debt of love to repay (Rom. 13:8).

Everyone wants respect, but to think that we deserve it is a modern version of idolatry. Disrespect, especially in our children, is a serious problem of their hearts. Our concern, however, is not that they violated our need for respect. It is that they want nothing above themselves at that moment. Not you, not God. This is not an occasion to rant at a child. It is a time to consider ways to rescue someone from a place that is dangerous.

Beware of anything that begins with, “I deserve.” Notice its roots in pride rather than humility. Can humility and love raise concerns? Certainly. Sometimes you overlook offenses, sometimes you speak about them. Humility and love mean that we raise those concerns with gentleness and attractive words. “Could we talk about this together?” That is a great way to start.

This would be worth sending to a friend and talking about together. It would also be worth praying about together.