"Promoting Honesty And Accountability"

“His father said to him, ‘Look, dear son, you have always stayed by me, and everything I have is yours. We had to celebrate this happy day. For your brother was dead and has come back to life! He was lost, but now he is found!’” (Luke 15:31-32, NLT)

“Then Jesus told this story to some who had great confidence in their own righteousness and scorned everyone else: “Two men went to the Temple to pray. One was a Pharisee, and the other was a despised tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: ‘I thank you, God, that I am not like other people—cheaters, sinners, adulterers. I’m certainly not like that tax collector! I fast twice a week, and I give you a tenth of my income.’ But the tax collector stood at a distance and dared not even lift his eyes to heaven as he prayed. Instead, he beat his chest in sorrow, saying, ‘O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner.’ I tell you, this sinner, not the Pharisee, returned home justified before God. For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” (Luke 18:9-14, NLT)

“Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?” (Romans 2:4, NLT)

Regardless of how hard we try, there will be times when our kids witness us falling short. No parent, even the most faithful Christian, has the ability to display perfect behavior in front of their kids all the time, particularly when facing serious challenges with work, finances, marriage, health, and other stressors.

But when we dwell in shame or place ourselves in chains of self-condemnation, our children notice—and may follow our lead. Decades ago, I began to witness a common pattern in many of the most conscientious families that led to two unfortunate outcomes. First, parents who work extremely hard to be perfect often unintentionally teach their kids that assuming responsibility makes people desperately unhappy. One boy said it well: “Yeah, my parents have to work really hard and be responsible all the time to be so miserable. Count me out.”

Second, because of the perfectionistic standards unintentionally modeled by these parents, their children often learn to deny and deceive out of fear that they will not measure up. Their primary goal becomes looking good in the eyes of others rather than truly growing in their relationship with God.

God wants to give us freedom. This is not freedom from responsibility. It’s the freedom required to be real as we struggle to grow in Christ and do what is right. Christ’s love, kindness, and patience lead us to repentance (see Romans 2:4). If we were not free to slip up, would we have such a great glimpse of His incomprehensible love?

The freedom to be authentic and embrace accountability comes when we accept the loving grace of God and trust that He will use both our strengths and imperfections to bring Him glory.

Here are three simple yet powerful strategies to help your family grow in honesty and accountability:

1. As often as possible, show your children that it’s okay to make mistakes. You might admit when you burned part of dinner, wore two slightly different colored socks, drove past an exit on the highway, or mispronounced a word. As you do, allow them to see you laugh a bit about these errors rather than becoming defensive, angry, or self-critical.
2. Let them overhear you talking about what you are learning. Let your kids listen as you tell a friend or your spouse about what you are learning from the small mistakes you make. This reinforces the fact that mistakes are learning opportunities. It also models humility and truthfulness.
3. Use Scripture to show them that God loves the honest and humble. Read the parables of the tax collector and the Pharisee (see Luke 18:9-14) and the prodigal son (see Luke 15:11-32) with your kids to show them that God forgives those who confess their sins rather than those who try to look “cool” or who boast about how good they are.