Pushing Past Awkward

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

—Galatians 1:10

My fancy shoes tentatively stepped onto the red carpet. My consignment-store dress snagged on one of my heels as I took my first step. My face flushed. Not for the first little misstep in front of such a huge crowd but because of the sudden realization of just how disappointed the crowd was. I knew it. They knew it. And it was all so incredibly awkward.

I’d been invited to an awards night for musicians. I was one of just a couple of authors there for one book category. But the main focus of the night was the artistic talent of musicians. My art of stringing words together felt insignificant. Since my words had no beat, they seemed to have no place in the memory of those lining this red carpet.

They had cheered when the vehicle I was riding in pulled up. But as I stepped out, their whoops and hollers quieted. I was a sad disappointment, an unfamiliar face among bright musical stars.

I busied myself fidgeting with my purse and my dress and my cell phone. Awkward does this to us. It makes us fidget. In the midst of trying to comfort what feels so uncomfortable, we just feed the monster. Awkward gorges himself full in those insecure moments.

Appointments and disappointments walk hand in hand.

I’m not a musician. Just as a nonmusician girl feels out of place at a musicians’ awards event, so will a Jesus girl feel out of place in a people-pleasing world.

You will sometimes feel exposed. Fidgety. Out of place. Insecure. And oh-so-incredibly awkward. These feelings aren’t a sign that it’s time to turn back. Or to give in to that people-pleasing desire beating against your fragile resolve. It’s time to say to yourself, I will not let the awkward disappointment of others keep me from my appointments with God.

Do you know what I wanted to do that night on the red carpet? I wanted to get back in that vehicle, go back to the ease of my quiet hotel room, rip off that stupid, fancy dress, and crawl into bed, and pull the covers over my head. I did not want to keep walking that red carpet toward the awards ceremony I was supposed to attend. I did not want to push past that awkward disappointment of the crowd.

But if I was ever going to get where I was supposed to be that night, I was going to have to keep walking forward despite feeling awkward, despite the disappointment of others. And you know what happened once I got inside that awards ceremony? An appointment from God I wouldn’t have ever experienced if I’d turned back.

Once inside I found a bathroom. Partly because I wanted to make sure my dress hadn’t ripped in embarrassing places when my heel got caught. And partly because when you feel terribly awkward and out of place, bathroom stalls are glorious places to regroup.

When I walked in, there was a girl staring at herself in the mirror. I’m not especially inclined to make small talk, so I walked past her and into a stall. When I came out, she was still there. Still staring.

“You okay?” I asked.

“Not really.” At first it was just those two words. But then more. And I realized her heart had been knocked around a bit out on that red carpet too. She was an amazingly talented musician. But her body size had been the topic of one too many hard conversations.

I guess because she didn’t know me, she felt like she could open up to me. I wasn’t in her music world, but I do personally know the pain of weight struggles. I know how thoughtless comments can cut deeply into a heart. And I know what it feels like to step on that scale and feel like a failure.

We talked. We shared. We laughed. And together we gained just a bit more courage. It was an appointment I wouldn’t have experienced if I’d allowed disappointment to scare me away.

Appointments and disappointments walk hand in hand. I had to get past the disappointment of the crowd to receive this appointment from God.

Galatians 1:10 reminds us of why this is so important: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” If we want to be the kind of people God can use anywhere at any time, we must get good at saying no to that resistance inside called awkwardness.

How do we learn to do this? We might think we just need to become more confident. But it goes deeper than that. It’s not a matter of gaining more confidence. It’s a matter of being more certain of our convictions. Confidence is being certain of our abilities. Conviction is being certain of God’s instructions.

I’m not talking about the way we sometimes use the word conviction as a verb: I’m convicted to wear longer shorts or I’m convicted to have more consistent quiet times. The kind of conviction I’m referring to is a noun—a firm, foundational belief.

With a deep conviction that God’s instruction can be trusted, we can learn to graciously push past awkward.

Dear Lord, please grant me the conviction I need to push past awkward. I don’t want to miss any of the appointments You have for me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.