Nothing In Common

Children’s children are a crown to the aged.

PROVERBS 17:6

“IT’S JUST THAT WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON ANYMORE.” The man who was speaking to me was bored in his marriage and seeking a way out.

“Nothing in common?” I replied. “I thought you had two children?”

“Well, besides that.”

It took all my self-restraint not to scream.

“Besides that?” What could be more significant, more important, more worth sacrificing for, than raising two children? What else do you need?

I’m serious. What will I do that is more significant than raising image bearers of the Creator God himself, future workers in his kingdom, eventual immortal rulers? What could two people ever have in common with someone other than their spouse that could possibly compete with such a bond? That one of them prefers to go camping while the other would rather stay in hotels? That one of them wants to watch romantic comedies and the other prefers science-fiction novels? That one of them wants to take lots of walks in the park and one of them is more of a homebody?

These things, even in the aggregate, pale in comparison to the joint effort of raising children. Our real crown is that we are raising children who themselves will have children. At the end of our lives, this will matter far more than what we ate for dinner or how we spent our Friday nights.

It is a serious misalignment of priorities when a couple breaks apart a family and then says, “We just don’t have anything in common anymore.”

In fact, actively raising children can do wonders for a marriage. It provides a joint task, a true friendship, a mutual challenge, which binds hearts together. Why do golfers like to hang out with other golfers? Because they can talk about certain holes (“On the eighteenth, you have to stay to the right of the fairway, or you’ll never get on the green in two”) and share their mutual love for the game. Book groups gather around their love for a particular genre of novel or for certain favorite authors.

These are mere hobbies that don’t carry half the weight of two people energetically raising human beings. The key is that couples who say “We don’t have anything in common anymore” are betraying the fact that they are not actively raising their kids together. They may be living with them, but they are not purposefully training and instructing them; otherwise, they would never even think to utter such a silly phrase.

Just this morning, our kids had an argument. Lisa addressed it first, but moments later, the argument was still raging. She came down to my office, told me what was going on, and suggested I give it a shot. I sat the involved kids down, and we read through James 4—about how quarrels and fighting reveal the sin in our hearts—and I asked each child what sin of his or her own was contributing to the conflict. Both children identified their sin, and then they went back to their rooms to pray through James 4 and see if they couldn’t resolve the situation.

In the ideal Christian world, that would have settled it; but ten minutes after my “inspiring” meditation, they were at it again (so much for my preaching credentials!). Lisa took the next lesson, and we tag-teamed our way through the morning.

Certainly, a marriage is about more than raising children—but raising children is such a significant task that, when done with serious prayer, involved energy, engaged efforts, and thousands of hours of conversation, it inevitably knits two hearts together. The loyalty and friendship that such an effort engenders will run far deeper and last much longer than any temporary infatuation. By raising kids together, Lisa and I are laying the groundwork for a lifetime of genuine friendship. We have more memories than we can ever recount. We have the respect of seeing how the other stepped in when one of us was weak or faltering. We have the ongoing relationship with three younger human beings who were created in an act of love by a God of love and who were raised by parents whose love for each other grows each day. What other kind of love could ever dream of competing with that?

When you have children and leave your spouse for someone else with whom you “have more in common,” know this: you are literally placing your appreciation for fine dining, recreation, old movies, or any number of comparatively insignificant preferences over the God-ordained task of loving and raising the children he has given you.

If your marriage is based merely on attraction, it will be in peril as soon as someone more attractive appears. If your marriage is only about having fun together, it will begin to wilt when you meet someone even more enjoyable and more fun to be with. But if your marriage is about raising children to the glory of God, you’ve just about divorce-proofed your relationship. While marriage is certainly about more than raising children, that task alone is almost enough, by itself, to keep us together. It’s a glorious calling we’ll never be totally worthy to fulfill. But by God’s goodness it has been given to us, and with his aid we are committed to seeing it through.

Nothing in common? Who could ever think such a thing?

Heavenly Father, capture our minds and hearts with the immensity of all that it means to raise children together. Let us remember its importance, and help us both to give ourselves fully to that task, and then, please, draw our hearts ever closer as we face parenting together. In Jesus’ name, amen.