The Great Escape

Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong. . . .
Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

Psalm 37:1, 3

FRANK HAS BEEN A DRUG ADDICT FOR A DOZEN YEARS. HE IS CURRENTLY GOING through Narcotics Anonymous. Mary works for a boss who gets wicked pleasure from making his employees miserable. Richard pastors a church in which a rogue elder is doing his level best to wrestle leaders for control of the congregation.

All three of these people have something wonderful in common: they have access to God’s great escape—marriage.

I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to fret. I stew over problems. I bring the anxieties and concerns home, and they hang like a low-lying cloud over my head, covering my demeanor and affecting my spirit.

But here’s the wonderful, soul-scouring truth of marriage: it gives us something else to focus on.

But here’s the wonderful, soul-scouring truth of marriage: it gives us something else to focus on. Fretters know it’s hard to stop thinking about any particular concern unless you can focus on something else; marriage gives us that something else.

Take Frank, for example. He and I talked about how drug addiction tends to make people even more self-centered than they normally are. Even recovery can become “all about me” as they look for people to support them and as they focus on getting through the day without resorting to drugs. But holiness must strike sin at its root, and since one of the roots of sin is selfishness, Frank needed to find something to make it not about him—perhaps for the first time in his adult life.

That “something” was actually “someone”—his wife. “Every day,” I said to him, “you’ve been waking up asking, ‘How can I get those drugs?’ or, ‘How can I cover my tracks?’ and more recently, ‘How can I make it through this day?’ But now you have the opportunity to use your marriage as a way to focus on someone else. Wake up every morning and ask God, ‘Lord, how can I love my wife today like she’s never been or ever will be loved?’ You said yourself that you’ve made her life miserable for over a decade. Now’s your chance to spoil her. Think about her when you’re tempted to think about drugs or to dwell on yourself. Do all you can to love her and serve her and affirm her. Lose yourself in adoring her, and experience the joy—perhaps for the first time in your life—of selfless living.”

Mary had an inviting opportunity because of her experiences with her tyrannical boss. Like me, Mary is a big-time fretter. As she went to bed each night, she had a hard time fighting back the bitterness and resentment aroused by her boss’s venom and malice. If she woke up in the middle of the night, she could forget about going back to sleep; invariably, her mind fixated on her boss’s latest fiasco, and she found herself silently fighting him all night long.

“Instead of thinking about your boss’s ego,” I told Mary, “think about your husband’s strengths. Tell him why you respect him. Write notes that express why you admire him. Turn every temptation regarding getting back at your boss into an invitation to love your spouse. Eventually, Satan will get the hint, but even if he doesn’t, your husband is going to feel really special! Either way, you win.”

Richard’s opportunity came as a result of his struggle with the power-hungry elder. For many pastors, the church can become an extension of who they are—a mistress of sorts. Now Richard has the opportunity to place the matter in God’s hands while making sure that his heart remains fully invested at home. As a pastor, he needs to respond to this elder’s shenanigans—but he shouldn’t fret because of this evil man. How not to fret? Every time he feels tempted to think about the rogue elder, he can instead focus on doing something special for his wife. He can love her, just as Christ loves the church. If Richard does this faithfully, this elder may be one of the best things that ever happened to Richard’s marriage.

What about your situation? How can God use as a great escape your call to love one person like he or she has never been or ever will be loved? What spiritual travail do you face that you can overcome by turning all the negative thinking and fretting into a positive act of love and affirmation?

One of the great blessings of marriage is that the call to love is so pervasive, so comprehensive, so time-consuming, and so gigantic that it really does provide a great and healthy escape from a world in which evil people dwell. If, like me, you have a difficult time keeping yourself from fretting, stop resisting and start substituting. Use every temptation to fret as a call to pray for, and act lovingly toward, your spouse.