Real People

Light is sweet, and it pleases the eyes to see the sun. However many years anyone may live, let them enjoy them all. But let them remember the days of darkness, for there will be many.

Ecclesiastes 11:7–8

I WAS SPEAKING AT A “SACRED MARRIAGE” SEMINAR AT A HOTEL ABOUT TWO hours away from the host church. On Saturday night I spoke on sexual intimacy, and afterward the leaders handed out candles and Hershey’s Kisses for the couples’ private evening together.

This has happened several times before. Given the situation (at a hotel far from home, away from the kids), the setup (a Saturday-night talk on sex), the intimate gifts (a candle, and on one occasion, massage oil and bath salts), the conversation that inevitably follows (“Well, honey, I guess we better go apply the Word!”), everybody all but knows that practically everybody else is going to enjoy sexual intimacy that night. The seminar host even made a point of saying the Sunday-morning session wouldn’t start until 10:00 a.m., “so you can sleep in” (wink, wink).

While Lisa wasn’t with me, I did have the fun of watching Clemson beat up on Florida State in a college football contest—not quite as satisfying as sex, of course, but as I pointed out to some of the attendees, my entertainment lasted a good bit longer than theirs did!

I also had a chance to pray, and I came back the next morning with a word of comfort, as I guessed that at least one and perhaps several couples felt frustrated that, for whatever reason, they didn’t enjoy sexual intimacy—and therefore felt even worse about their marriage than they had before. They knew what their friends were doing, and they may have felt cheated about their own circumstances. I stressed that it is unwise to evaluate your marriage based on any given moment. Marriage is a long journey, with many seasons; that reality, plus the fact that we are married to real people, with real physical and emotional problems, can combine to create frustrating moments. In such times, I said, we need to die to our expectations and focus on our obligations—loving them “anyway.”

It is unwise to evaluate your marriage based on any given moment.

That night I got to apply my own words. Because I had spoken to two groups back to back, I had been gone almost an entire week, and I was really missing Lisa—in more ways than one! Unfortunately, her period arrived two hours before I did.

That kind of thing doesn’t happen in the movies, or in novels, or in the latest Top 40 song.

But it’s real life.

Lisa was so apologetic. Later that evening as I put the kids to bed, she got out of the bathtub and said, “I’m supposed to be doing all this and you’re supposed to be resting and—” I cut her off. “I’m just glad to be home,” I said.

I’m married to a real person. In real life, marriage moments don’t always turn out the way we wish they would. That’s why I think we have to guard against expectations that deny our fallen condition in a fallen world. Sickness, frustration, the frailty and foibles of the human body eventually find their way into most homes. If we don’t expect this, then we make an already difficult situation that much worse, acting as though we’re the only couple facing such struggles when, in fact, virtually every couple faces a variety of similar issues. It may not be at the same time we do (that’s where comparisons become dishonest), but eventually, all marriages face most of the same hurdles. Eagerly anticipated moments collapse into agonizing disappointments.

That’s why I believe we have to exchange our expectations for our obligations. Instead of focusing on what I wish would happen, I should concentrate on my duty and call to love. In this fallen world, there are many things we simply can’t control. If we place ourselves at the mercy of these things, we become spiritual slaves, easily frustrated and discouraged.

But when I live by my obligations to love and to serve and to remain faithful, I rise above the circumstances of this fallen world. Whatever happens, my duty is clear, and my marriage—my real marriage to a real person—is served.

Expectations assault a marriage that doesn’t live up to perfection; obligations protect a marriage at its weakest moments. Expectations slowly wear down a marriage, while fulfilling obligations steadily builds up that union. Expectations foster fear and disappointment; meeting our obligations births intimacy and love.