Keeping The Focus Where It Belongs

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

Luke 6:41–42

“GARY,” THE E-MAIL READ, “WHAT DOES A WIFE DO WHEN HER HUSBAND doesn’t love her like Christ loves the church?”

I responded by pointing out that no husband alive loves his wife this well. While all Christian husbands should aspire to it, the truth is that we all fall short.

I soon received a second e-mail.

“Here’s my story,” she wrote. “Before I got married, I read ten Harlequin romances a day, and I thought marriage would be like that. For a while it was, but then things cooled off. A couple years later, I found that exciting love once again by having an affair; but after a number of months, that cooled off as well.”

At that point, she had thrown herself into the church, but after a while even God became boring. That’s when she “fell” into yet another affair, which—no surprise here—also eventually cooled off. In the aftermath of those two affairs, in which she wounded and humiliated her husband about as deeply as a wife can, she wrote to me, consumed with how her husband wasn’t loving her like Christ loves the church.

Admittedly, this is an extreme example, but all of us have hearts that tend toward dismissing our own faults while magnifying the flaws of our spouses. Sometimes we need an extreme example to show us how dark our own hearts really are.

All of us have hearts that tend toward dismissing our own faults while magnifying the flaws of our spouses.

Jesus could not have been clearer: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Luke 6:41–42).

If you’re thinking, But in my case, my spouse really is the worst sinner, then know this: Jesus is talking specifically about you. This is precisely the attitude he finds so offensive.

Humans arguing about who is holier is like a couple of twenty-five handicap golfers fighting over which one of them can drive the ball farther—while Tiger Woods watches over their shoulder. We’re all so many degrees below God’s standard of perfection that even the holiest of humans is in desperate, aching need of God’s gracious mercy and forgiveness.

While we tend to rank certain sins, in the glory of God’s goodness every mark of sin—whether an errant attitude, a prideful spirit, or a lust of the flesh—is vile and offensive in his sight. I’ve seen wives who abuse food disdain husbands who struggle with pornography; I’ve seen controlling and arrogant husbands disdain wives who watch too much television. Both seem completely blinded to their own shortcomings.

We’re not called to judge our spouses—ever; we are called to love them. We are not called to recount their failures in a pharisaic game of “I’m holier than you”; we’re called to encourage them. We are not called to build a case against them regarding how far they fall short of the glory of God; we are called to honor and respect them.

A final thought: You might never talk to another person about your spouse’s weaknesses, but when you pray for or about him or her, how do you sound to God? Are you spending more time asking God how you can love your spouse like he or she has never been or ever will be loved, or are you endlessly repeating your spouse’s failures and presenting God with a laundry list of things you want him to change?

If God seems silent, maybe he’s hoping you’ll catch a clue and turn the mirror on yourself. Every time you’re tempted to turn the spotlight on your spouse, ask for God’s gentle correction: “Lord, where am I falling short of your will for me to be a loving husband [a loving wife]? Where do I need to grow? Am I loving my spouse with the extravagant love displayed by Jesus?”