Looking Back And Looking Forward

By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept when we remembered Zion.

The famous American satirist Peter De Vries once quipped, “Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.” Ain’t it the truth! While many people look to the past with warm remembrance, bereaved people can’t do that as easily. We know how the story ends. We know that every happy memory stands on a time line that leads toward death. Nostalgia doesn’t make us smile; it pinches.

Try as we might, looking back at the good old days rarely brings the comforting feelings we hope it will. Instead, it often produces disillusionment, disappointment, and lingering sadness. Our reflections on the past tend to highlight the good and diminish the bad. We can clearly see God’s goodness in the rearview mirror, but what is he doing now in our grief? Nostalgia offers a dangerous temptation to rewrite the past as the only place of God’s favor.

As the Jews sat beside the rivers of Babylon, they cried when they remembered the good old days. Nostalgia for the familiar blurred the reality of what their life had really been like. The people reminisced about Jerusalem as their “highest joy” (Psalm 137:6), while in truth the nation had wandered far from the Lord. They lived in an exile of their own making, a result of their sin. Only when the past was no longer accessible did it become so sweet.

It’s normal to struggle with nostalgia as you grieve the death of your loved one. Reflecting on our pasts is an important part of grieving and growing, and you should carve out space to engage in this thoughtfully. However, as you sit by your own rivers of Babylon, remember that there’s no such thing as the good old days. Even here in grief’s foreign land, you are not exiled from God’s goodness. The same God who wrote your past is writing your story today. He holds your past, present, and future in his loving hands. You do not ever live a day apart from his goodness.

Just as we must offer God our futures, we must give to him our pasts as well. You can hand God your rose-colored glasses and look at your past honestly. You can release your nostalgia and receive God’s presence in your present. Today, take this first step to embrace your hard story as the rich soil in which your new life after loss can grow.

You will show faithfulness to Jacob and steadfast love to Abraham, as you have sworn to our fathers from the days of old.

He is the Rock; his deeds are perfect. Everything he does is just and fair. He is a faithful God who does no wrong; how just and upright he is!

A Prayer: Dear God, when I look back at my life before loss, everything seems better. I know life wasn’t perfect, but at least my person was alive. It’s hard for me to be honest sometimes about what life really was like before death came into it. Today, God, help me to tell the truth about my past. As I weep for what was, give me clarity to acknowledge what was true about the life I lived before. And in this truth, ground me as I step into this day. Show me that each day is full of your new mercies. Give me grace and courage to receive them. Amen.

An Activity for Today: Grief researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut developed what they called a dual process model of coping with bereavement. Stroebe and Schut studied bereaved people and saw that the ones who learn to thrive again move back and forth between loss- and restoration-oriented behaviors. They lean into grief and then let go. They rest in acknowledgment of their hard emotions and also learn to push through them like seedlings through soil toward new life. This “oscillation,” said Stroebe and Schut, is a necessary part of developing the muscles for life after loss.

On the next page is the diagram of loss- and restoration-oriented behaviors that Stroebe and Schut developed to illustrate this movement in grief.^a Fill in each section of the diagram with your own experiences of loss- and restoration-oriented activity. Where do you notice that you need to lean into your grief and feel its weight? Where do you see God calling you to expand your vision of your life after loss? As you fill in the diagram, remember: there is no wrong or right here. Each activity is a natural part of rebuilding after loss. Let this activity help you chart the resilience God is developing inside of you.

A Song to Encourage Your Heart: “Great Is Thy Faithfulness” by Austin Stone Worship