What can I do to step free of the destructive shame I experience? - Shame - TouchPoints

Genesis 3:8-11When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the Lord God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the Lord God among the trees. Then the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.” “Who told you that you were naked?” the Lord God asked. “Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?”

When we read of how Adam and Eve tried to hide from God, it’s almost laughable. How could they expect to hide from God? Yet we often do the same thing. When we have sinned, we feel so ashamed of what we’ve done that we become afraid of God, fearing that we’re not worthy of another chance. As it turns out, we aren’t worthy—but God offers forgiveness anyway. When we are ashamed, God longs for us to turn toward him, not away from him.

Genesis 3:12The man replied, “It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it.”

Sometimes, such as with bullying or rape, the shame we feel is not our fault. Other times, though, it is our fault, and we try to pin the blame on others to escape our shame. Such behavior harms our relationships with others and prevents us from repenting and learning from our mistakes.

Luke 15:12-19“The younger son told his father, ‘I want my share of your estate now before you die.’ So his father agreed to divide his wealth between his sons. A few days later this younger son packed all his belongings and moved to a distant land, and there he wasted all his money in wild living. About the time his money ran out, a great famine swept over the land, and he began to starve. He persuaded a local farmer to hire him, and the man sent him into his fields to feed the pigs. The young man became so hungry that even the pods he was feeding the pigs looked good to him. But no one gave him anything. When he finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger! I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’”

The prodigal son rejected his father and lived a shameful life, wasting everything his father had given him. It wasn’t until his situation became truly desperate that he decided to acknowledge his shame and face his father. Vulnerability can be terrifying, yet it is often the only way to move past our shame and be reminded of how much we are loved.

Luke 15:20-24“So he [the prodigal son] returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.’ But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began.”

Shame can make us feel damaged, broken, weak, and worthless. And the truth is, we have each done many things that are shameful. Yet the thought of rejecting a repentant child never crosses our Father’s mind. When we lay our shame before him, he runs to us, rejoicing that we have returned to him. We are priceless and beloved in his sight, and no amount of shame can change that.

Exodus 3:11Moses protested to God, “Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?”

Judges 6:15“But Lord,” Gideon replied, “how can I rescue Israel? My clan is the weakest in the whole tribe of Manasseh, and I am the least in my entire family!”

Moses and Gideon both experienced trauma. They had both been unable to protect their people from oppression, and they felt helpless, worthless, and ashamed. Yet one step of obedience at a time, they both learned to root their identities in God and his calling. Their understanding of who they were outgrew their shameful pasts.

Titus 3:4-5When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love, he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit.

Feelings of shame are usually the result of sin, our own or someone else’s. Shame increases with unreleased guilt. God wants to release us from shame and restore us to a pure and holy relationship with himself. When we confess our sin to God and ask for his forgiveness, he takes our shame away.

Psalm 32:5Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.

Psalm 51:1-3Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins. Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin. For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night.

Shame is a relentless weight. For a long time, David tried to hide his guilt. Perhaps he ignored thinking about it; perhaps he made excuses that others had done worse; perhaps he tried to justify it—after all, he was the king, wasn’t he? All this only increased the burden of his shame. Once David acknowledged his sin and confessed to God and others, he was offered forgiveness and a restored relationship with God. Vulnerability and repentance were his path to freedom.

John 4:6-7Jesus, tired from the long walk, sat wearily beside the well about noontime. Soon a Samaritan woman came to draw water.

The woman at the well was likely burdened by shame, and so she went to the well at the hottest time of the day in order to avoid meeting others from her village.

John 4:7-20Jesus said to her, “Please give me a drink.” . . . The woman was surprised, for Jews refuse to have anything to do with Samaritans. . . . “Go and get your husband,” Jesus told her. “I don’t have a husband,” the woman replied. Jesus said, “You’re right! You don’t have a husband—for you have had five husbands, and you aren’t even married to the man you’re living with now. You certainly spoke the truth!” “Sir,” the woman said, “you must be a prophet. So tell me, why is it that you Jews insist that Jerusalem is the only place of worship, while we Samaritans claim it is here at Mount Gerizim, where our ancestors worshiped?”

In Jesus’s conversation with the woman at the well, he uncovered all her shame—not only her shameful relationship history, but also her shame for being a Samaritan. Samaritans were partially Jewish, but they had a long history of enmity with the Jews. The Samaritan woman and her people were used to being treated with contempt by Jews. In order for the woman to open her heart to Jesus’ message, she first had to acknowledge her shame, fear, and bitterness.

John 4:21-23Jesus replied, “Believe me, dear woman, the time is coming when it will no longer matter whether you worship the Father on this mountain or in Jerusalem. You Samaritans know very little about the one you worship, while we Jews know all about him, for salvation comes through the Jews.”

Jesus didn’t minimize the woman’s shame or deny its reality. He never excused her broken relationships. He even warned her that her Samaritan culture did not understand God. Ultimately, he acknowledged everything that made her feel inferior and worthless—but he still treated her like she had value. By choosing to speak with her and showing her respect by answering her questions, Jesus showed the woman that she was far more than her shame.

John 4:23-30“The time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth. The Father is looking for those who will worship him that way. . . .” The woman said, “I know the Messiah is coming—the one who is called Christ. When he comes, he will explain everything to us.” Then Jesus told her, “I Am the Messiah!” . . . The woman left her water jar beside the well and ran back to the village, telling everyone, “Come and see a man who told me everything I ever did! Could he possibly be the Messiah?” So the people came streaming from the village to see him.

The woman at the well began that day avoiding everyone to hide her shame. She ended that day admitting her shame to her entire village in order to spread the hope of the gospel. In the Gospel of John, this is the first time Jesus explicitly reveals he is the Messiah—to a woman everyone else had written off. No matter how broken or worthless we may feel, God offers each of us a future of hope and purpose.

Psalm 32:5Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.” And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.

Romans 3:24God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins.

2 Corinthians 5:17Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

Shame sometimes traps us into making sin our identity—but this trap is a lie. Our identity is built on what Christ has done for us, not on our shameful pasts or our current struggles.

Philippians 1:6I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

Philippians 3:12-14I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. . . . No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

Paul wasn’t perfect. Neither are we. But dwelling on shame and failure distracts us from the good things God is doing in our lives. When we make mistakes, we can learn from them. When we sin, we can repent; then we should stand up and run toward Christ.

Joshua 2:8-12Before the spies went to sleep that night, Rahab went up on the roof to talk with them. “I know the Lord has given you this land,” she told them.

Hebrews 11:31It was by faith that Rahab the prostitute was not destroyed with the people in her city who refused to obey God. For she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.

Matthew 1:5-6Salmon was the father of Boaz (whose mother was Rahab). Boaz was the father of Obed (whose mother was Ruth). Obed was the father of Jesse. Jesse was the father of King David.

Rahab was the last person you would expect to be listed in the genealogy of Jesus. She was part of an idolatrous and evil nation, an enemy of Israel. On top of this, she was a prostitute. Yet Rahab saw God’s power, and she believed in his mercy. She put everything on the line in faith, and her life was changed. In place of shame, she received a greater honor than she could have ever imagined. Repentance requires faith—a faith that God can change us.

Psalm 25:2-3I trust in you, my God! Do not let me be disgraced, or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat. No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced, but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others.

Psalm 119:31I cling to your laws. Lord, don’t let me be put to shame!

Psalm 119:39, 80Help me abandon my shameful ways; for your regulations are good. . . . May I be blameless in keeping your decrees; then I will never be ashamed.

1 John 2:28Now, dear children, remain in fellowship with Christ so that when he returns, you will be full of courage and not shrink back from him in shame.

The best way to avoid feeling shame is to avoid the sin that fuels shame! When we obey God and live a clean life, we will rarely feel shame. The pain of past shame should be a great motivation to strive for honesty and integrity in all areas of life from now on.