How do I know if my shame is healthy or destructive? - Shame - TouchPoints

Isaiah 54:4“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth.”

If you have been victimized through no fault of your own, you do not need to feel shame. Often people who have been bullied, abused, molested, or raped carry undeserved shame. God can remove your burden of shame and set you free to live victoriously again.

Romans 5:8God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.

2 Timothy 1:7God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Hebrews 4:16-17This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

1 John 4:16-18We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. . . . And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. . . . Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

Whenever shame causes us to doubt God’s love for us or the sufficiency of Jesus’ sacrifice, it is not healthy or helpful shame.

Luke 15:17-19“When he [the prodigal son] finally came to his senses, he said to himself, ‘At home even the hired servants have food enough to spare, and here I am dying of hunger! I will go home to my father and say, “Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. Please take me on as a hired servant.”’”

The prodigal son was deeply ashamed of how he had acted, but that shame did not cause him to fear and avoid his father. Instead, that shame reminded him of how much he loved, respected, and trusted his father. Healthy shame inspires repentance and restoration; it never leads to fear and isolation.

1 Timothy 1:19Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear. For some people have deliberately violated their consciences; as a result, their faith has been shipwrecked.

Our consciences are a gift from God, an instinct he placed inside us to make us aware of our sins and give us an appropriate sense of guilt and shame. To keep our conscience working properly, we must seek forgiveness from God and others and try to make things right. Ignoring our conscience dulls it and allows sin’s consequences to grow unchecked without our feeling bad about it. This is like ignoring warning lights at a railroad crossing when a freight train is approaching.

1 Corinthians 8:7-12Some are accustomed to thinking of idols as being real, so when they eat food that has been offered to idols, they think of it as the worship of real gods, and their weak consciences are violated. It’s true that we can’t win God’s approval by what we eat. We don’t lose anything if we don’t eat it, and we don’t gain anything if we do. But you must be careful so that your freedom does not cause others with a weaker conscience to stumble. . . . when you sin against other believers by encouraging them to do something they believe is wrong, you are sinning against Christ.

Our conscience often works in tandem with the Holy Spirit, but it is not infallible like the Holy Spirit. Sometimes, we may be unsure if something is right or wrong. In such cases, we should err on the side of caution. We should also be respectful of those with a more sensitive conscience and avoid influencing them to go against their convictions.

Romans 14:1-4Accept other believers who are weak in faith, and don’t argue with them about what they think is right or wrong. For instance, one person believes it’s all right to eat anything. But another believer with a sensitive conscience will eat only vegetables. Those who feel free to eat anything must not look down on those who don’t. And those who don’t eat certain foods must not condemn those who do, for God has accepted them. Who are you to condemn someone else’s servants? Their own master will judge whether they stand or fall. And with the Lord’s help, they will stand and receive his approval.

1 Corinthians 10:31So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

Many issues are a matter of conscience, rather than an explicit command from God. Perhaps you refuse to drink alcohol in order to better honor God with your body. That is honorable—but don’t shame others for drinking. Suppose you enjoy alcohol in moderation and with thankfulness. That is honorable—but don’t shame others for refusing to drink. There are some situations where what we are allowed to do is less important than the attitudes of our hearts and the needs of the people around us.

Galatians 5:3-4If you are trying to find favor with God by being circumcised, you must obey every regulation in the whole law of Moses. For if you are trying to make yourselves right with God by keeping the law, you have been cut off from Christ! You have fallen away from God’s grace.

In the early church, some people believed that new Christians had to follow all the Jewish laws, including circumcision. Rather than accepting Christ’s perfect fulfillment of the law, they began trying to earn salvation on their own—and shamed those who didn’t follow their standards. Whether others are pushing legalism on us, or we are pushing it on ourselves, legalism is a powerful source of shame and has been an enemy of the gospel from the beginning.

Galatians 5:1So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law.

If you struggle with legalism, read the letter to the Galatians. In Galatians, Paul explains in detail how legalism is a shame that humans often choose to carry—yet a burden from which God desires to set us free.

Ezekiel 34:2-4“Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds, the leaders of Israel. . . . You have not taken care of the weak. You have not tended the sick or bound up the injured. You have not gone looking for those who have wandered away and are lost. Instead, you have ruled them with harshness and cruelty.”

Titus 1:10-11There are many rebellious people who engage in useless talk and deceive others. This is especially true of those who insist on circumcision for salvation. They must be silenced, because they are turning whole families away from the truth by their false teaching. And they do it only for money.

Sometimes, legalism spreads out of a sincere desire to obey God. Other times, legalism spreads through corrupt shepherds with ulterior motives—such as a desire for power, control, or wealth. Such corrupt shepherds often use shame to manipulate their flocks.

Jeremiah 6:14-15They [ungodly leaders] offer superficial treatments for my people’s mortal wound. They give assurances of peace when there is no peace. Are they ashamed of their disgusting actions? Not at all—they don’t even know how to blush!

2 Timothy 4:3A time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear.

In contrast to legalistic leaders, false prophets tell us what we want to hear—which can include encouraging others to sin. Having our consciences numbed through false teaching and sin is just as dangerous as legalism.

1 Corinthians 15:33Don’t be fooled by those who say such things, for “bad company corrupts good character.”

Galatians 1:10Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.

Friends, family, coworkers, and acquaintances sometimes use shame to pressure us. That pressure does not always push us in the right direction. Our ultimate standard of what is admirable or shameful should not rest on human opinion.

Psalm 119:105Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.

Acts 17:11They searched the Scriptures day after day to see if Paul and Silas were teaching the truth.

2 Timothy 3:16All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives.

The best way to know if our shame is healthy is to view it through Scripture. The wisdom of trusted pastors and other teachers is valuable, but check what they are saying against the Bible itself. Ask questions. If your question is about a specific Bible verse, don’t just read that verse by itself; also read the context around it.

John 14:26“When the Father sends the Advocate as my representative—that is, the Holy Spirit—he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you.”

2 Corinthians 3:17-18The Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. . . . And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image.

Galatians 5:22-23The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!

Studying the Bible will feel more intuitive if we are doing so prayerfully, seeking the Spirit’s guidance. When we are living in step with the Spirit, we will also be more joyful in our obedience. Rather than simply feeling ashamed of what is wrong in our lives, we will grow a desire to pursue what is good.

John 8:44“When [the evil one] lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies.”

Romans 8:1So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.

1 John 1:8-9If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.

1 John 3:20Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything.

When our confessed sin or past hurts continue to provoke shame, Satan may be trying to torment us. Those memories have been redeemed and forgiven. Continue to trust in God’s faithfulness and rest in his healing.