When You Feel Like You’ve Lost All Control - Trusting God with the Unexpected

“I called to the LORD in my distress,
and I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice,
and my cry to him reached his ears.”
(Psalm 18:6, CSB)

One misstep is all it took. What promised to be an I-can-handle-everything week turned into an I-can’t-do-anything month as I too confidently stepped onto my frozen front porch that early January morning. Falling in front of my neighbor in my pajamas was not on my to-do list. Between caring for a sick kid, a husband leaving for an important work trip, grad school, and a mountain of work responsibilities, I had no margin for any divergent plans.

As I assessed my body, pain surged through my mind as well as my lower back. Memories and fears of a nearly identical experience four years prior flooded my mind. Not again. This can’t happen to me now. I don’t know if I can recover fully from another fractured back. God, help me! Somehow I crawled back inside, trying to keep it cool so I didn’t alarm my feverish first grader.

“Mom! Are you dying?” he cried. It’s not normal for me to be flat on my back next to the refrigerator, choking back tears. “I’m fine, honey! I just need to rest a bit,” I replied. Desperate to be fine, I continued on with normal life for the next few days. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13). I recited this verse until I realized that maybe I couldn’t hold it all together. God, help me! I waited and waited for help, a word, or some kind of encounter with God to reassure me. But I was met with silence.

Discouraged beyond belief after a long-awaited insurance approval for a CT scan, I wrestled with God. I lay on my bed staring up at the ceiling and I cried out, GOD! Why is this happening to me? I know you are there… Why can’t I feel your presence with me in this pain? Having been a Christian my entire life, I know all the things a “good Christian” is supposed to say and do. Admitting you can’t feel God and wondering where he is isn’t usually on that list. But in that moment of raw honesty, I heard him.

God answered, I said be still and know that I am God, not be still and feel that I am there. At that moment, peace and stillness settled over my body. God wasn’t impressed with my bootstrapped faith, but he met me in my honesty. Whatever the outcome of my situation, I realized that God was still there.

Thankfully, my CT scan revealed that my back was not fractured again, but badly misaligned from the force of the fall. I learned that God’s dwelling with you is not a matter of fickle feelings. When you don’t feel like your situation is how it should be, know that God is still watching over you, listening for your cry, and working on your behalf.

Reflect:

Is there something that you need to be honest with God about? He can take it. Here’s a promise to remember from Hebrews 13:5-6: He will never leave or abandon you. The Lord is your helper; you don’t have to be afraid.