Should I Be Mad? - Healthy Conflict, Peaceful Life: a 5-day devotional

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” (Ephesians 4:25-27, NIV)

It was early morning and my husband was already out the door and at work. I woke later, got out of bed, and stumbled over the t-shirt he’d left on the floor next to our bed. I rolled my eyes. Why do I have to pick this up every morning? I made my way into our bathroom where water was splashed on the mirror and sink. Are you kidding me? Why can’t he clean up after himself? I thought in irritation. By the time I walked into the kitchen and noticed coffee grounds spilled on the counter, I was in full-blown anger mode. If he’d been home, we’d surely have had an argument.

Suddenly, though, I became aware of my critical thoughts.

Was it true that my husband left a bit of a mess for me to clean up? Yes. But it was also true that he’d left before dawn to provide for our family; He loved me and our children; He was a man of faith, integrity, and kindness. And I was upset over a t-shirt, splashed water, and coffee grounds? It was absurd. But isn’t that the way conflict goes sometimes? The tiniest infractions become big blowups.

When faced with conflict most of us never pause to ask ourselves one simple question: Should I be mad? The answer is sometimes, yes and sometimes, no.

To handle conflict wisely, we don’t make the small things big, and we don’t make the big things small. Proverbs 19:11 (ESV) says “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.” Some small things are often best overlooked. Other times small things need to be addressed and resolved so they don’t become big things.

But what about more significant situations? How do you know if an issue is a big thing?

1. It’s a repeated occurrence.
2. It will have ongoing negative consequences.
3. It will damage the relationship or the people in the relationship.

An ongoing issue that will have negative consequences must be dealt with. There are some issues where the godliest response is to be angry. God’s Word tells us, “Be angry and yet do not sin…” (Eph. 4:26). Anger itself is not a sin; anger is an emotion. If the result of our anger and how we deal with said anger helps the relationship become healthier and helps the people in the relationship become holier, anger is a righteous response.

If we fail to deal with destructive patterns of behavior, we only continue the unhealthy cycle of hurt, harm and pain. Big things don’t disappear when we sweep them under the rug, even if our desire is to “keep the peace.” Jesus called his followers to be peacemakers not peacekeepers.

Whether we’re facing a big issue or a small one, it’s vital to follow the biblical mandate to speak the truth in love. What we say, and how we say it, matters. It matters to the relationship. It matters to God.

We all feel angry at times. But to handle anger in a God-honoring way we need to step back, examine what we’re angry about, how we are handling it, and ask the honest question: should I be mad?

Lord, I don’t want to be angry about the wrong things. Open my eyes to see areas where I have made the small things big. Give me perspective on what truly matters. Open my eyes to issues where I have avoided conflict and made the big things small. Help me handle my conflicts in a way that helps my relationships and helps me become more like You. Amen.